confessions...

the actual thought of moving out is horrifying to me. the final, "yeah, well see ya" is um... is what it is. the way i feel about it is kind of a sign that i might be in some sort of strange denial about this whole thing. kevin said the relationship wont REALLY be over until one of us leaves the house.... i wonder how right he actually is?

it is halloween - happy halloween everyone! - and i'm going to not think about this crazy shit for the rest of the day but i wanted to get this out before i do.

stay in tucson - move to new york. i guess the idea is that the distance from new york to tucson will make things better... sounds like running to me. the distance from new york to myself and how i feel is much closer. i don't think drastic proximity will take care of that one.

i've given myself 2 weeks to know EXACTLY what i am doing. i wish i could just hand the whole decision over to be made for me... but not being sure if i'm in denial or not is worrying me. is it just a sad thing, and i don't wanna think about it? and that i am not in denial at all... what is it, actually, that i am thinking inside of me?

the cold hard truth that he will be glad to have me gone. that's far more than i am equipped for right now. one day at a time...

torn....

the thought for the day: i could stay in arizona and be enrolled in school and taking classes for less than 200.oo. i'd of course move out and into my own place.... studio 350 + 350 deposit..... all of this for 900.oo. cost of being conflicted and misplaced: priceless! ugh.

morning time...

why... dear neighbor, must you use a jackhammer so early in the morning? do you remember when you came over to ask me not to smoke out on my own patio after 9pm because it blew into your bedroom window? do you remember that day? i do.

and now, you're using a jackhammer at 830am, right next to my window? you can rest assured that i will smoke a whole pack of cigarettes tonight after 10pm. i hate you.

ugh... morning. i used to love morning time, and to be fair, i still do. just not exactly used to them anymore. the interview is in an hour and a half and i'm still not sure what i'm wearing.

a tough old life, huh? ...speaking of. so i talked to some friends in maine who said it's 30 degrees this morning. made my toes cold.

talked to my best friend after that in new york. he says it's freezing, and not a bad day for how freezing it is. as he was grunting from the cold.

yikes.

arizona is lovely this morning. about 70 degrees.

perfect... except for the F'n jackhammer.

early for the big halloween party...

ewwwwwwwww!!!! so, like 20 mins ago. i'm all irrigating my part of the desert right? and then right NEXT to my face.... is that <--- .

i didn't know what to do, but sorta shriek, spray it with some water, and run!!!!!!!!!!! don't judge!! what would you have done!!!

i would take the rat i saw at 50th street by the 3rd rail, anyday over this. "other places make me feel like a dork, but i love new york." - madonna. hehehe. happy halloween week =)

bach online... the people we turn down....

just when you think things cannot get any more odd than they are.... life deals you a wammy that just leaves you standing there with your mouth hanging a little open....

i have a friend i talk to online. we've talked for a year. he lives in tucson. a good kid. we laugh about everything. we did not get together when we first met, mostly because i had a boyfriend, and then later on... i just kept saying no to him.

turns out... this kid is a classical pianist. world known. ie. LA, NYC, Tokyo... need i go on? apparently he knew a friend of mine, and when he found that out, he said he had to tell me something.

then out comes this crazy story i've told you about, above... i'm kinda not knowing what to say... and then my friend who knows him too was like, ARE YOU NUTS... do you know who that is?!!! and i was like, "no..."

and then i get webpages to look at, and cds on amazon...

and oh my god...

the waiter and the classical world class pianist... only on the internet. only on the internet!

anyway, he wants to give me a private show sometime.

eeek!

uprising: any dream will do.

the interview has been set. wednesday at 1030am. a hot job right here in tucson. if i do/or do not get this job will have much to do with my decision on what i do next...

i'm not nervous about it, i'm excited. it feels like i cannot lose. i have decided to be open and available for any and all future oportunities right now. doing something is always better than doing nothing. this has been an idea in my head for quite a while, and is now something i am bringing to the fore-front of my conciousness.

i don't feel like i'm hiding from my emotions right now. i don't think i'm surpressing anything. i have all the pain and excitment and letdown, and mystery of this rapidly approaching unknown of single life, and not living in this house that i believe i should have.

all of these emotions which i've decided i shouldn't have to be slave to are coming out in strange ways... very open and close conversations... a massive ammount of energy... i cry easily at movies right now... i think wildly supportive thoughts about my friends. i dunno... it's just better, somehow... then sitting in my room staring at a wall wondering, why me?

i still think america is fkd up. but i was born here... i've spent my whole life in america and i can fight back. i can extract what i want from it: thus mine and YOUR freedom.

so welcome to: revolution. i want to go dancing =) i haven't in a long long while.

xtremely loud & incredibly close...

i think that positive thoughts and energies given off sorta create this magnet... and good things and positive energies come back to you.

and so, today, one of the jobs i applied to online back in september called me. they want to set up an interview. excited about that. unsure if i should stay in tucson, or... or what?

or go back to the city? or... or what? i still haven't connected the begining of that idea with a complete ending to it.

both a little scary, and extremely exciting.

i stayed over with G last night. we met at a 24 hour coffee house in tucson at about 2am. he's a flight attendent and had just gotten back into town tonight. we hadn't hung out for about a week so we spent some time catching up. we hung out, laughed a lot, and then went back to his place to sit on the floor and converse about emotional connectivity and theory and idea and theatre (G is a graduate of a Theatre school in Seatlle. he was telling me about this incredibly cool and political sounding show called "Cloud 9" and Jonathan Safron Foer. G is reading a book called "Extremely Loud And Incredibly Close." we were going through this book and some of it's incredible ideas. we stayed up for hours.

apparently "Everything is Illuminated" is his first book and is now a movie? we have plans to see it, soon.

it feels good to have a friend that i share so much in common with. i know that he likes me, but i'm more than intent on being single right now. glad he's here, and it's so obvious he's here for a reason..

i thank G as i thank all of my friends for loving me and sending me such positve energy right now.

this break up is the hardest thing i think i've ever done, and yet somehow i'm gliding through it. and there are parts of me that are happier than i've been in years.

i hope you all are well, and send me emails.

wish me g'luck with the interview!!!!!

Convos and Muppets... EEEK!!

so, okay...

i am at work last night. serving tables. playing the witty happy anything-you-want guy, who seems to be my alter ego, when....

it was table 17. maybe to entertain myself, or maybe because i'm onto something.... it seems some nights that certain tables in the restaurant get this odd energy... as in, last night table 17 was the hot table. anything and everything memorable about the night happened there. and this was by no means, an exception....

3 girls. average looking women. fun to wait on. they were certaintly flirting with me, and waiting tables can be flirtatious anyway... so i was playing along and we all were having fun....

and then they leave. firstly, the tip was nice. thanks girls! but secondly....

they leave this um, pamphlet on the table that on the front reads....

"LENDING A HELPING HAND: Have You Ever Wondered what it would feel like to be a Muppet?"

so, of course, i gave it an odd look, and then took it out back to have a cigarette with it and read it before i got sat again....

and what, to my fragile little eyes should i read about, but.... FISTING.... this is a pamphlet complete about the joys of fisting.....

for those of you... Fisting is... when someone puts their hand up your booty... i mean, all of it.

it's not my thing... and honestly, i didn't expect to find a pamphlet sitting on table 17 in the MIDDLE OF THE DESERT ie NOWHERE..... waiting for me on the subject. that image we all have about the desert being tranquill... peacefull, and beautiful even.... YEAH, my ass.......... (my ass just asked to be left wayy out of this.. sorry, ass.)

so, i read the pamphlet, and had a giggle... and let myself be shocked enough by this just to be entertained... and then i went back inside....

and sure enough... there they are, waiting for me.

the girls from table 17 are STILL there. *panic* what do i say to them? "hey guys, thanks for the pamphlet... good stuff there!"

apparently my face said it all, and one of the girls puts her hand on my shoulder and says, it's okay... that's how everyone reacts at first. it's normal. she then procedes to tell me that there is; don't even kid people... a BENIFIT!!!!! happening next friday night, and she is going to be the bottom (which means, she's gonna um... get the fist...) in front of about 45-50 people she said) and i was invited.

all i had to do was wear a black open shirt (that's the requirement... black top with chest exposed...) and bring a refreshment.... the bottom girl was bringing deviled eggs (whatttt!!!!???)

so, i said ...thank you, how sweet....

and promptly made a - any - excuse to become amazingly busy until they finally waved goodnight and left....

so - this blog could've read:

i got this really nice invitation to go to a party next friday. i get to wear a costume and bring guacamoli. isn't that neat!!

but, that really wouldn't be what happened, would it be?

anyway, so i'm really busy next friday. i'm not gonna be able to make it. HOW SCARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

am i a prude?

or............ is that really scary LOL =))))))))))))))))))))))) alrite, time to go back for more. work beckons. have a lovely day people.

everyday is like sunday...

can anyone out there just hand me over 2,000 dollars??? i mean, ya never know less you ask right =) hahaha

sunday afternoon. have to work in a few so just a short blog to say it's been a busy weekend. work is a bit demanding, but i'm certaintly glad it's there. i seem to be doing alright.

not a whole lot to blog about since all i'm doing is working and sleeping right now. kev wants me to interview over the phone for that swank diner place, called the diner on 14th and....8th(?) that just opened where he is working. so i would know, even before i went if i got the job. i also am putting resumes online to a bunch of different places in the city... but...

am i moving back to new york? is that what i'm doing? ...i need more coffee.

how does a blonde kill a fish... =)

so... my ipod came yesterday. i love it. it wouldn't work. i couldn't get sound out of it, at all. i met up with a new friend of mine at an internet cafe downtown and we messed with it and finally took it out to the apple store in 2stoned (tucson heh) and the "apple genius" put me in the right direction... and boom!

it works =) hooo ray!

that's what i got 4 yall. gotta go make me some more monies. =)

the bus from hell...

so... there i was innocently walking to the convenience store to buy coffee and cigarettes. it was a sunny hot desert day in tucson... i was listening to some tiffany lovin' on my mp3 player which i had decided fit nicely inside of my belt loop. i get a call on my cell, so i tuck my headphones into my pocket and answer the phone...

this all as i'm crossing the street with a walk sign... it's so biblical, i'm parting the waves of traffic with my walk sign and things are going good...

all of a sudden a crazy ass city bus comes barrelling at me, ignoring the red light... and i'm like oh shit... and run for my life...

amazingly i survive, and on the other side of the street i check myself, to make sure all of my parts are there... and i look down, and NO MP3 PLAYER!!!

i gasp, and turn around to see.... mp3 player lying dead and broken in the middle of the street. bus bitches!!!!!

i walk back into the street and collect my mp3 player which is hardly recognizable anymore. i tear up a bit.

i rant on to kevin on the phone about what just happened. he finds the whole thing amusing...

i promptly hang up on him when i get home, and go shopping on line...

is this a sign from god that it's time for me to get an ipod?

i look online and the ipod shuffle is only 99$. i decide this IS a sign from god.

so screw you crazy bus driver from hell!!! i'm getting an ipod!!!!! and you SUCK!!!

i heart the waffle house =)

late night coffee, cheesy eggs, and rasin toast at the waffle house may be as close to any sort of heaven, that there is. i'm infatuated with waffle houses. it's such a southern US thing.

really reminds you of where you are. the florida ones were better than the arizona ones. but then again, everything in florida was better.

good convo and some laughs and a cool waitress... life can be pretty good sometimes. it's always the small things. i already knew that though.

i called up a friend of mine, coz i was tired of staying at home feeling sorry for myself. it was like 230 in the morning, and asked him if he was hungry...

shocker: he was... (more likely, he was just shocked that i called...) and so we ended up at casa de waffle. =)

it's been a long time since i've had a late night coffee experience.

it's been a long time since i wasn't called a fool for suggesting such an idea.

it felt good.

letting go.... how to's...

i've no idea how to let go.

that's not really true. i understand. it's just another fear. you were afraid of losing this person so you grabbed on as tight as you could... they of course were repulsed by this, because people are stupid and never actually see what's really going on... and where they can help...

or simply refuse to. think they shouldn't have to.

and honestly, that's there call. if they don't want to, they shouldn't have to...

and then it's time to let go.

but you're scared again... afraid of the change it brings. of the hope it will deminish. the dreams that wont come true... and worst, that you might not be good enough to ever be loved by someone.

and so you reject love. and you reject coupling. and EVEN sex. it all turns into a thing that turns your stomache. your friends are tired of hearing about it...

you've even lied about it.

you're fine.

and it's still time, no... it's past time to let go.

you can wish whatever you want to happen in life... but what will happen will. and the first thing to embrace, and trust, is that you will be okay. that you'll be fine. it wont be the way you want it to be, maybe, but honestly, you'll be fine.

okay, so whatever happens, you'll be okay. you got that. so some of the fear is conquored... and you've begun to let go...

so then the biggie... you're not good enough. in whatever ways that the relationship and however you've processed the whole ordeal have left you.... you feel not good enough.

well - funny thing is, you are. and you argue, saying that stuff sounds like bullshit... not EVERYONE of us are good enough.

but why not? why can't every single one of us be good enough? it's at least possible... and so you consider it...

and you look at that person, when they don't know you're looking, because you're pretending you are not... and you say to yourself.. "i am willing to lose this person. i hope i don't... but i am willing to lose them."

and that's such a long way down... but if you have to, you're willing to do it.

and then you love yourself.

and forgive yourself (they can be forgiven later..)

and make yourself crayon pictures and cards, and say to yourself that your singing voice really isn't that bad... and you're hair, though it's looked better; today isn't exactly horrible.

you watch movies that you like, that you didn't get to see before. and you write songs about how things are dark, but light is ahead.

you try not to be angry anymore. because you were angry too much. you decide that you've been a jerk to yourself. you don't have to live that way anymore. with or without that person....

you decide that there is something fabulous and big inside of you.

you finally cry. just a little, and you hate it, and it hurts.. but you let yourself do it.

you work a LOT.

you plan. you plan lots of plans... because one will have to work.

you watch what u eat. you start noticing your body (you'll need it).

you stay up late. very late until you're sleepy so you don't dwell on these things, and you can lay in your bed comfortably.

and dream good things.

you kiss your cat alot.

you realise that these new changes are now how your life is.

THIS letting go is NOW your life.

the things you do now, constitute your life now.

and it's so different already.

what you think you cannot do, you've already begun.

you love clocks. you think of them often.

time is your friend, and time will save you enevitably.

you start thinking about things you like to do.

things you stopped doing for that person.

you consider who you are now.

after these years.

and you laugh at yourself, and the quirky things you do.

you learn how to like them.

and know that you are good enough

and then letting go begins....

and you're going to be okay.

you just gotta get through all this rain.