letting go.... how to's...

i've no idea how to let go.

that's not really true. i understand. it's just another fear. you were afraid of losing this person so you grabbed on as tight as you could... they of course were repulsed by this, because people are stupid and never actually see what's really going on... and where they can help...

or simply refuse to. think they shouldn't have to.

and honestly, that's there call. if they don't want to, they shouldn't have to...

and then it's time to let go.

but you're scared again... afraid of the change it brings. of the hope it will deminish. the dreams that wont come true... and worst, that you might not be good enough to ever be loved by someone.

and so you reject love. and you reject coupling. and EVEN sex. it all turns into a thing that turns your stomache. your friends are tired of hearing about it...

you've even lied about it.

you're fine.

and it's still time, no... it's past time to let go.

you can wish whatever you want to happen in life... but what will happen will. and the first thing to embrace, and trust, is that you will be okay. that you'll be fine. it wont be the way you want it to be, maybe, but honestly, you'll be fine.

okay, so whatever happens, you'll be okay. you got that. so some of the fear is conquored... and you've begun to let go...

so then the biggie... you're not good enough. in whatever ways that the relationship and however you've processed the whole ordeal have left you.... you feel not good enough.

well - funny thing is, you are. and you argue, saying that stuff sounds like bullshit... not EVERYONE of us are good enough.

but why not? why can't every single one of us be good enough? it's at least possible... and so you consider it...

and you look at that person, when they don't know you're looking, because you're pretending you are not... and you say to yourself.. "i am willing to lose this person. i hope i don't... but i am willing to lose them."

and that's such a long way down... but if you have to, you're willing to do it.

and then you love yourself.

and forgive yourself (they can be forgiven later..)

and make yourself crayon pictures and cards, and say to yourself that your singing voice really isn't that bad... and you're hair, though it's looked better; today isn't exactly horrible.

you watch movies that you like, that you didn't get to see before. and you write songs about how things are dark, but light is ahead.

you try not to be angry anymore. because you were angry too much. you decide that you've been a jerk to yourself. you don't have to live that way anymore. with or without that person....

you decide that there is something fabulous and big inside of you.

you finally cry. just a little, and you hate it, and it hurts.. but you let yourself do it.

you work a LOT.

you plan. you plan lots of plans... because one will have to work.

you watch what u eat. you start noticing your body (you'll need it).

you stay up late. very late until you're sleepy so you don't dwell on these things, and you can lay in your bed comfortably.

and dream good things.

you kiss your cat alot.

you realise that these new changes are now how your life is.

THIS letting go is NOW your life.

the things you do now, constitute your life now.

and it's so different already.

what you think you cannot do, you've already begun.

you love clocks. you think of them often.

time is your friend, and time will save you enevitably.

you start thinking about things you like to do.

things you stopped doing for that person.

you consider who you are now.

after these years.

and you laugh at yourself, and the quirky things you do.

you learn how to like them.

and know that you are good enough

and then letting go begins....

and you're going to be okay.

you just gotta get through all this rain.