confessions...

the actual thought of moving out is horrifying to me. the final, "yeah, well see ya" is um... is what it is. the way i feel about it is kind of a sign that i might be in some sort of strange denial about this whole thing. kevin said the relationship wont REALLY be over until one of us leaves the house.... i wonder how right he actually is?

it is halloween - happy halloween everyone! - and i'm going to not think about this crazy shit for the rest of the day but i wanted to get this out before i do.

stay in tucson - move to new york. i guess the idea is that the distance from new york to tucson will make things better... sounds like running to me. the distance from new york to myself and how i feel is much closer. i don't think drastic proximity will take care of that one.

i've given myself 2 weeks to know EXACTLY what i am doing. i wish i could just hand the whole decision over to be made for me... but not being sure if i'm in denial or not is worrying me. is it just a sad thing, and i don't wanna think about it? and that i am not in denial at all... what is it, actually, that i am thinking inside of me?

the cold hard truth that he will be glad to have me gone. that's far more than i am equipped for right now. one day at a time...