HIGHER EDUCATION

colllege is a curious place. sometimes i wonder how it is that i am in restaurant management and this dude is a college professor. he says the word guys to substitute for commas, periods, exclamation marks, and questions. he uses it to express joy and he also uses it to express displeasure.

why does he get the cool job?

why does tori sing "i am a M. I. L.F. don't you forget" in her new song.

she's tori effin amos... what is she doing!!!

why is the world stupid sometimes

BENNIFITS OF EXERSIZE

i can't move my neck! wah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

worked out doing all kinds of exersizes last night, and today... i'm screwed. the thing that sucks the worst? backing out of a parking space. i sorta close my eyes and pray for the best. OWCH!

NEOPETS

why am i up late at night playing neopets? why am i addicted to this game. i never go into the battledome. i'm close-ish to actually being rich. i never buy my penquin, jakob blue anything to eat. i always feed him free omelette. i play underwater fishing and i live in maraqua. wtf is the deal?

keeps me sane and i like the typing games. keeps my typing skills up i guess. w/e's...

the new tiffany song "higher" kicks ass!

HIKING TRIP...

so... jon got back from his northern west coast gig and he and i decided to go hiking up on the top of Mt. Lemmon. i agreed to go because i'm on a kick to get back into shape, but mostly because i wanted to drive up the mountain. the drive was horrifying, but well worth it for the views.

then, we get to the parking lot. i don't know what i was thinking, but i had it in my head that we were seriously going for like a ten minute walk to look at trees and enjoy the far cooler temps at the high elevation. 20 minutes into the severe uphill CLIMB... i began to feel a ping of annoyance. i had clearly burned more than my planned ammount of calories for the day, and inquired quite seriously about when the hell we were done climbing..... jon assured me it was like 5 more minutes of uphill.

another 20 minutes later and i hate to say it but i was becoming irate as only an urban city dweller would get at this point. still hiking uphill.....

finally we came to what i can only describe as the peak of the mountain top. a lot of burnt trees. a few years ago a forest fire begun from some dumbasses' cigarette butt had ignited this place like a matchhead. the trees were charcoal. infact i pushed against one and it was like an old tooth... with any effort whatsoever i could have knocked the whole 20 foot tree over...

the view however was breathtaking, and the trading of the opressive heat of the desert vally floor for this incredible crisp misty breathable air was well worth it....

we continued on, only to come to a crossroads of sorts. a six way intersection of trails. because jon had hiked this trail before he did not bring a map. we spent the next hour on the phone with the rangers who weretrying to find out where we were. it was getting dark at this point, and anyone who lives near here has it drilled into their brains that mountain lions own this territory and we humans are fair game. being way up on this mountain top in the dark was a very very bad idea!

to make it worse, jon asked me to rip the sleeve off of my tshirt because he had to "leave his mark" on the mountain and needed to wipe.

who was this man. where was i? what was wrong with being fat. why in the name of god do we do things like this to ourselves. ---- as only christine lavin could put it... "what was i thinking..."

the rangers finally found us via a GPS on jons phone and guided us down the mountain. there was serious talk about us being air lifted by hellicopter if we were up there for very much longer. we were serious danger for our lives.

at this point i wouldn't have minded seeing a big pretty kitty tear a limb or two from his body... but alas nothing so exciting happened. we made it safely back to the car. me following, and staring hard thru the darkness to see the white of jons sneakers.

we made it back to the car and drove safely back to tucson where alchohol and something to eat was waiting for us.

i decided before i fell asleep that night that i was happy jon wasn't mangled by a mountain lion.

BIG BOYS DON'T CRY

2am on monday morning the train left carrying kevin and nick. they're off to new orleans and then on to new york and finally to maine. i got to spend some time with them before they left and i'm glad for it.

nick. just turned 21 and is leaving tucson for his first time. off to see what else is out there. i wish him oodles of good luck!

kevin. not in the same city as me any longer. that's a hard pill to swallow. we hadn't seen each other in a while and i didn't even know if we were still friends. but we are, and we will be.

i don't know. i'm just glad i had the weekend with them. good luck boys! kiss new york for me!

BLOGING: THE SECRET

y'know... blogging really does help. it helps because you get to read back over what you just posted for the entire internet to see, and you realise how much of a whiny bum you made yourself out to be...

so you go for a jog and seriously cut sugars down on your diet.

all the rest - whatall of it you can fix... will come in time.

oh by the way - do you guys realise how much you cut down on gas when you just don't run your a/c!!!! it's amazing. i live in tucson, and it's effin hot out, but i mean, good is good. i'm cutting dimes wherever i can right now... and the 'no a/c' law is a smart one.

of course until i pass out from heat exhaustion on the freeway.

ALARM CLOCK ENEMY

my alarm clock is really really not cool. i am wiped out this morning. coffee's not even cutting it. coffee version 2.0 released upon the market is LONG overdue.

i need to drop some weight. get my oil changed. cut my hair. get my homework done. do the employee schedule for work 2 weeks in advance... i need to kiss the publics ass a little bit more at work. i need to partake in conversations a bit more.

i need to start looking on where i'm going to live. i need to cross some bridges i've been staring at. i need to be less frantic in the morning (on the inside). i've got to lay off the cigarettes - that thing has run it course, i think.

i seriiously need to clean up my place. i need to cut my toe nails. i need to clean out my car (and perhaps find out how the hell it gets so effin cluttery so fast...)

i need to take a shower. need to get going. i need to stop.

it was you who did this to me. it was you, alarm clock. i was so snug. sirius at my feet. apple by my face. we were in bliss, but YOU couldn't have that could you. you had to bitch. you had to get the day going....

well eff off.

ENTERTAINMENT REVIEW....

oh crapster. it's monday. blah... britney effin bombed the VMA's and madonna's new song "candy store" or "candy shop" or what the hey ever it's called leaked.... it's just a demo, but apparently the masses think it's the finished product and they're cringing. she's almost 50 so she should apprently just be doing show tunes now?

piss off america.

when i haven't finished my coffee sometime's the country seems effin vile. i imagine if we'd stop stealing the woman's music from her before she's even done, she might make a better effort? just a thought.

britney - you really dropped the ball. for what it's worth tho... out of shape to me means a bit more than what you looked like. you looked fine. just have some coffee and bounce around a bit, you are... after all a performer, right?

darren hayes' album is brilliant. tiffany's "higher" single is pretty damn good too. not that it'll ever see the light of day, but props to the tiff-ster for keeping at it.

anyway - that's what she wrote - i'm out - peace!

MY BROKE ASS

can someone tell me why, for the love of god, is my computer book almost as expensive as the damn class was!!! this is not cool! anyway, i'm off to http://webopedia.com to do my homework over morning coffee.

all luv

MONEY MAKES THE WORLD GO 'ROUND

overwhelmed. a bit down: either you make too much money and you've no freedom what-so-ever... or... you're broke, and you've got all the freedom in the world. i suppose it all runs on a 'as needed' sorta scale.

where do you go to feel good when the world just starts kicking. it's so true that when you have money all of these doors open up for you and all of these rules are all of a sudden bent for you.

but... if the coin turns. there are blockades and all of these 'yes sir' business' that you've given quite a few dollars to... all of a sudden can not work for you. i'm looking for the middle ground, but i'm not sure it's out there.

i've lived both of these lives and neither is very rewarding. having money, don't get me wrong, is comfortable. and people certaintly do change when it's gone.

i have a car payment. i have high insurance. my apartment. electricity, water, gas. i'm lucky. i'm lucky to be typing on my wireless internet out in my private courtyard under the stars. i am lucky.

i just deserve more. isn't that funny. this right here would've been more than good enough. i would've had beers but no furniture and friends, but probably no wifi connection surrounding me.

i'm torn. i know i'm just depressed tonight. that i let things get to me, and that - along with everything else good and bad - is my own fault.

and so think some good thoughts for me, i need them.

i'm going to smoke a cigarette and maybe read a bit before bed. i don't want to be dwelling on this any longer.

LETTER TO A SOMEBODY.

there was a message on my phone today. kevin. apparently he and nick are about to embark on the cross country arizona to maine trip very soon. i don't expect to get much sympathy from anyone and that's cool. it's not so much anybody's call anyway.



i know i've tried to be fair in my telling of my stories in my life with kevin. he never forced me to do anything... lol well... that time in new york. that could be debated. the champaign. the pills. that certaintly could be discussed. but everything else... i did of my own free will. i watched kevin time and time agian fall steeper and steeper downwards.



now, before i go further... i imagine nobody wants to hear these things said about them, or to think about themselves going downward. it's not helpful either to say these things about anyway. to point out some negative direction, as if they are too much of a child to see.



he knows. i can say this for him... he certaintly seems to be alive. far more than me or most of the people i know anyway. being alive of course is dangerous because there is always the danger of dying.



he doesn't look well. and it's been months since i've seen him... so who really knows what he looks like now.



hopefully i'm flat out wrong about this. my car had gotten broken into. my gut feeling says "no, he didn't take it." but i defended him right down till he admited it about seths money. and was shocked by the idea that he stole my vcr.



he returned a vcr to me about a year ago when i went and got him from a dark place that he was in because of a break up and amoung other things. i brought him to live with me over and over. i tried to help. i tried to partake. i got fucked with, either way.



i wonder tonight if he was ever my friend. yes, i think he was. i don't think he is now. but maybe he is. perhaps we're only estranged.... and some day - hopefully soon... something better will happen. i don't know. i honestly don't.



i wish him well, and i'm sad that he's leaving. and kevin... if you ever read this... i'm sorry. i can't help you, and i can't live like you do either. i'm not perfect, and i'm nowhere near where i want to be. but i'm trying really hard. i miss you. even more so than i'm sorry... and maybe i'm not even sorry.



i do miss you though. within my proximity i suppose there's still hope of reconcile and beers on friday...



but i don't think that will happen. yet. hopefully maybe someday. but not now.

MY CURRENT FAVORITE SONG: DARREN HAYES' "CASEY"

CASEY - DARREN HAYES
FROM: "THIS DELICATE THING WE'VE MADE" 2007

Driving in your car
With the windows downAnd the beat up stereo
Struggle with this town
Cuz you love to hate it
And hate it to let it go
And we're all alone
And so tired of being
Underrated
So don't take me home
Cuz I feel alive
When you come and save me

A yellow car
Speeding down the Southside freeway
We'll rewrite this movie
Make it end like we want it to

And Casey
When you go
Can you come and find me
Wanna be beside you
When you leave this town
I've been waving goodbye
Pretending not to cry
I want to be someone
If you take me away
All the pain will change
Into a memory...
Of when we were amazing

1989
Summer had hit
But it was not moving
What is it with this town?
Every time we win
It just feels like losing

We were never gonna fit in
I was a mixed up kid
And you were my sanity

In a yellow car
We don't even have to go far
Cuz that song you're playing
Sounds like peace on the radio

And Casey
When you go
Can you come and find me
Wanna be beside you
When you leave this town
I've been waving goodbye
Pretending not to cry
I want to be someone
If you take me away
All the pain will change
Into a memory
Of when we were amazing
When we were amazing

I know things will change
Casey stay the same
Take me away

Oh, we don't have to go far
Yeah, we don't have to go farI know

Casey
When you go
Can you come and find me
Wanna be beside you
When you leave this town
I've been waving goodbye
Pretending not to cryI want to be someone
If you take me away
All the pain will changeInto a memory
Of when we were
When we were

Casey
When you go
Can you come and find me
Wanna be beside you
When you leave this town
I've been waving goodbye
Pretending not to cryI want to be someone
If you take me away
All the pain will change
Into a memory
Of when we were amazing
When we were

Driving in your car
With the windows down
And the beat up stereo

Coming through the sky
Like a satellite
Like a radio wave
A meteorite

APPLE: THE ESCAPE ARTIST

i have 2 cats. sirius - of course, and apple. i got apple back in november of last year. a girl. very cute. never got her spade though. i guess i just think i'm a guy and she's a girl and who the hell am i to make that kind of a call...

except.........

she's not just any girl.... she's a britney spears wannabe. loveable and wonderful enough, sure... but she's such a mess.

how is it that sirius stays in all day being his wonderful wonderful self, and she somehow manages to escape from the courtyard and is out doing god knows what all day until i return????

she's going to be pregant. i know it. ugh... if anyone has any advice on what to do here... let me know.

i wasn't even sure i wanted to keep her - let alone her damn babies!