LETTER TO A SOMEBODY.

there was a message on my phone today. kevin. apparently he and nick are about to embark on the cross country arizona to maine trip very soon. i don't expect to get much sympathy from anyone and that's cool. it's not so much anybody's call anyway.



i know i've tried to be fair in my telling of my stories in my life with kevin. he never forced me to do anything... lol well... that time in new york. that could be debated. the champaign. the pills. that certaintly could be discussed. but everything else... i did of my own free will. i watched kevin time and time agian fall steeper and steeper downwards.



now, before i go further... i imagine nobody wants to hear these things said about them, or to think about themselves going downward. it's not helpful either to say these things about anyway. to point out some negative direction, as if they are too much of a child to see.



he knows. i can say this for him... he certaintly seems to be alive. far more than me or most of the people i know anyway. being alive of course is dangerous because there is always the danger of dying.



he doesn't look well. and it's been months since i've seen him... so who really knows what he looks like now.



hopefully i'm flat out wrong about this. my car had gotten broken into. my gut feeling says "no, he didn't take it." but i defended him right down till he admited it about seths money. and was shocked by the idea that he stole my vcr.



he returned a vcr to me about a year ago when i went and got him from a dark place that he was in because of a break up and amoung other things. i brought him to live with me over and over. i tried to help. i tried to partake. i got fucked with, either way.



i wonder tonight if he was ever my friend. yes, i think he was. i don't think he is now. but maybe he is. perhaps we're only estranged.... and some day - hopefully soon... something better will happen. i don't know. i honestly don't.



i wish him well, and i'm sad that he's leaving. and kevin... if you ever read this... i'm sorry. i can't help you, and i can't live like you do either. i'm not perfect, and i'm nowhere near where i want to be. but i'm trying really hard. i miss you. even more so than i'm sorry... and maybe i'm not even sorry.



i do miss you though. within my proximity i suppose there's still hope of reconcile and beers on friday...



but i don't think that will happen. yet. hopefully maybe someday. but not now.