studying stones

i am out here studying stones
trying to learn to be less alive
using all of my will
to keep very still
still even on the inside

i've cut all of the pertinent wires
so my eyes can't make that connection
i am holding my breath
i am feigning my death
when i'm looking in your direction

'course numb is an old hat
old as my oldest memories
see that one's my mother
and that one's my father
and that one in the hat, that's me
it's a skill i'd hoped to abandon
when i got out on the open road
but any more pent up emotion
and i think i'm gonna explode

there's never been an endeavor so strange
as trying to slow the blood in my veins
to keep my face blank as a stone that just sank
until not a ripple remains

i am high above the tree line
sitting cross legged on the ground
when all of the forbidden fruit has fallen and rotted
that's when i'm gonna come down

'course numb is an old hat
old as my oldest memories
see that one's my mother
and that one's my father
and that one in the hat, that's me

it's a skill i'd hoped to abandon
when i got out on the open road
but any more pent up emotion
and i think i'm gonna explode

by the time, any one of you has read this, i will have left new york city. this is my last night. at the radisson JFK.

i'm not sure what to say except that it's incredibly clear to myself that before i can do any sort of uprising in my life... i need to set myself free. and i am heading back to arizona in the morning to find out - either way. and either way is okay with me... as long as it is honest.

i spent last night at coney island with my new friend from the city, Jackie. coney in itself, the amusement rides... sorta a long running joke i'm sure... but there were kids screaming... and families enjoying themselves... so i can't knock a cheap time...

but then there was the ocean. the sandy beaches and the ocean. jackie and i smoking in the middle of the night. jackie doesn't know i was crying as she slept on my shoulder on the D train heading back into manhattan. jackie doesn't know how horribly i'll miss her.

kevin doesn't know how horribly i will miss him. and manhattan... well... new york just has no clue to what extent i wish i were of a mind i could do this right now in my life.

so to all of you out there rooting for me... still do it. i need it (we all do). and i love you all as much as ever. keep your chins up babies.