some wild thoughts goin on up in my nutty head tonight... do we idolize the one's who hurt us? are we more infulenced by pain then by love?

the tradgeties seem to open our eyes much more than the good times do... the good times, we merely savor, and never learn... the bad times, we never forget. we but obsess on them until they've become part of our concious?

it's been too long since i've kicked back (yeah, kicked back...) in a room and sighed... and let lose, and was able to laugh... to enjoy myself freely and not be totally concious if i was ...sexy, dorky, goofy, weird... that i took a step forward without analzying the hell out of it...

what's worse is, when was the last time i let anyone else take a step forward without analyzing the hell out of it?

what has made me so aware? alert? the awareness and alertness don't seem to help at all when they're needed... so what's the deal?

i wrote a song once back in high school "why not?" i had had a friend Jared whom.. who knows... i must've had some sort of crush on... ? my very best friend... the kid was such a bad ass. could not keep himself out of trouble for anything... he was so much excitement and so much fun for me... (in ways i think i've taken on his role somewhat in my life? one of my greater teachers? taught me how to live my life: right or wrong? good or bad? just do it? hmmm...) ...anyway... he got sent away (a lot... more so then bobby... or just as much as bobby, i dunno..) and i was miserable. i missed him horribly, and i recoiled back into my bedroom, and into myself ( i guess...) waiting for him.

waiting for someone who is never actually comming is a devistating thing... anyway... so i did what i do best...

i wrote (and recorded) a batch of songs called "reach the stars." it was my way of dealing with what was happening.

one of many rites of passages in my life.

"can i just go out and have fun sometime soon, before i die, or forget how to."

it describes me right now.

i pass off, blow off every opportunity that comes my way... for what? to simply wait for something that is just not comming....

or is it?

how do you know?

when do you say "fuck you fate!" and take matters into your own hands?

is not fate, whatever you do?

how exactly can you tempt it? how exactly do you stray from the line of fate? can you? is fate real?

is there a road we are on? or a series of swirving paths?

is there somewhere i'm supposed to be? someone i'm supposed to be? that i'm not now?

who says?

is this an excuse to stand still?

but what of... the old man?

who is only old.

what would he say?

i know what he would say.

do it.

well, ok... but what's "it?" i mean, which one?

hey ya'll. i'm scared.