FORWARD

have decided step 1. first goal.. top priority is to study and pass my state exam. so... coffee in hand and sitting in the middle of the floor...

here i am! that's about all i have for now... should i move back to florida?

WAITING TO EXHALE...

us people.
intent on living, it seems.
these darker days have rare needle points of light that shine through and illuminate the hint of an idea that wouldn't it feel good to not feel so bad?

the answer is... hold on. one thing is for certain... change WILL come.

after i realized it had been a month since we'd broken up i took that news as odd. not that a month is any length of time really at all but it is a beginning...

the realization hit me sort of like a kid who kinda pieces it all together and sees that they really were right.... santa doesn't exist.

and those are NOT my rules or how the world would be if I ran things... but you have to live with it because other people have a say too. if santa doesn't want to exist nobody said that he had to.

we only just have to accept what is sometimes and press on forward.

help is on the way: change WILL come.

BLOGIVERSARY

speaking of anniversaries, i have had this blog for 7 years this month. wow.

1

it has been one month already.. still feels like it was 4 minutes ago...

a whole month... feels like a milestone. is it? is 30 days really anything anymore? as you grow older honestly does time lose currency value? does the minute even exist any longer?

last day @ work then 2 days off. while 2 is not a lot i am no fool and i know it's better than 0.

cheers, i guess.

CLOSET CLEANING

this guy i once dated way up @ the begining of our relationship had said that he had to "clean out his closet." being me, i was way way way too naive at the time 2 have any idea what he meant by it so i just giggled and stared into his pretty eyes and ignored yet another phone call from a friend of mine.. i'm sure.

i get it now what he meant...

but he was not too far off from a hooker.

so i kinda am developing my own definition of what "cleaning out the closet" might mean in my own life...

like i mean... taking this time to ask myself the hard questions
and to figure out where i want to be and who exactly i have turned out to be.

work on the body... no but really. the soul.. the wallet...

healing through betterment.

i don't think i have to be and look and act sad to prove that i have loved and lost someone.

i don't think i need to sit here and wait for someone who's not coming "home."

i think i need to do whatever it is I would do in a time like this.

like rent all the episodes of drop dead diva on netflix and get a really large glass of red wine and learn to enjoy myself.

this me in this body.

the other options... missery and sadness and waiting... they're just - and it's hard to say this - not options anymore.

S&D

sunday... day off. beginning to make space... space and distance. i've tried everything else. dog needs walking. coffee needs drinking... and theres a book i really really need @ the library... bring on this new week

"THE GUY IS A PSYCHO..."

a friend of mine told me i was a relationship guy. that's why i don't hook up. is this true?

what if i don't want to be a relationship guy? what if the power there in when one day a mind is changed and you are left standing there to just simply be "healthy" and walk away is too much.

it knocks me on my ass.

it's all unjust and really wrong.

re: psycho.

and i just don't play psycho well. you give so much to someone and all of a sudden one day it's rejected? how embaressing... like being kicked out into the street naked... running around trying to pick up clothes while everyone just watches and thinks you are fucking nuts...

mostly coz they have no clue what's going on and just like to witness crazy things.

...these "friends."

i'll take the red wine instead, thank you.

COFFEE & FRIDAY

i think the idea of grabbing the reins of your own life rather than being consumed in the grief of a breakup (loss) is a better idea.

i think it makes me feel guilty to want to feel better. like if i stay sad then he would notice and come rushing back to me all slo-mo and good looking...

i think i shouldn't have to feel guilty about wanting to have good days.

it boils down to... if he wanted to be here then he would be.

to hang on to something that's just not there and doesn't want to be there just makes you creepy....

concluding... why should i feel guilty about not wanting to be creepy.

*sigh* coffee & friday...

RULES OF BREAKING UP...

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/127111642.html

that's a link to "the best of craigslist" ad about breaking up.. it's pretty damn funny albeit kinda good advice.

there should be a space of alone time... of not seeing the person. of moving on with life...

one should never be so stupid as to date within the circle of friends. why? coz when it's over... you've got alot of alone time on your hands...

friends after? eh... maybe maybe after like a year or so...

can't really say you're friends with someone when you're secretly wishing they never have sex again or if you run from a room if you're friend finds someone who makes them happy...

doesn't mean you don't wish them the best right? it's just not really being a good friend when you can't be happy for them..

alls i'm sayin...

a change of scenery. perhaps a new city. a new part of town. these things are all good.

especially if you were stupid enough to date inside the circle of friends.

RED WINE & ENDINGS...

as my time in tucson winds down to an ending... i am reflecting on so many things. the relationships i've had while here. how so much of my time in this place has been about waiting... waiting until real life happens again...

waiting until he comes home...

waiting until he finally understands...

waiting until i let it go...

letting go... not waiting but just simply letting go...

can jumping back into the water and having sex again be a forum of letting go? a step in letting go? or could it just be really messy and harmful?

sitting alone in rooms certaintly doesn't seem to be helping. i hate break ups.