DAY 21

tomorrow is 3 weeks of no smoking. i feel as though i should reward myself. any suggestions?

DAY 16

it's 3am. my mom's birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!!!!!!!!!!

it's been 2 weeks and 1 day since i have smoked a cigarette. yay!

i'm sleepy now.

DAY 13

i slept without my patch on last night. woke up in the night kinda sick to my tummy so i don't know what that's about.

arizona has gotten quite cold within the last couple of days. i am trying to decide how i feel about the cold and i conclude that maybe i don't mind it because it makes everyday sorta feel like a memory i have of some christmas and it's like a nice jolt to the ass... makes you not so sluggish. i think i might be ok with the cold...

maybe?

as soon as i get my gas turned on, i'll be far more ok with it. hopefully tomorrow!

day 11: RED LETTER YEAR

ani difranco just released her new album, "red letter year." it's got a shit cover but i like the songs. "the atom" "emancipated minor," "round a pole," and of course, "present/infant" are my faves so far.

go ani.

went out last night had dinner with jon and we met everyone else out at the pub. same shit different weekend.

i still love sunday mornings. a stillness that i enjoy a lot. i always feel ridiculously productive on sunday mornings.

coffee and maybe paint something. a drive?

who knows...

LYRIC OF THE YEAR:
"reproductive system: newly activated"
ani - "emancipated minor."

D A Y N I N E

i love days i wake up tangled in a ball of cat love. sirius, jakob, and me were all twisted up in our sleep together. very cute. i didn't want to get out of bed. apparently neither did they coz they're still there =)

well, today is day 9 of no-smoking me. yesterday got a bit difficult, i dunno what that was about, but i pushed on and made it through. thankfully tracy and i were working together so we could be each others support. difficult still didn't mean tough, i think my patch kept falling off so it just felt different.

*shrug*

work tonight and then the WEEKEND!!!!!!!!!! yay!

today, i talked to my local pharmacist and i told him how easy this all had been. i asked him if i should stay on step 1 or move on to step 2. he said go for it. so i begin step 2 today. i'll let yall know how that works out.

i want more than anything in the whole wide world to take a road trip. financially, i'm doing better than i have in a while, but not quite there to be off on road trips... still need to hang on for a bit.

happy friday.

DAY 8. SENDING OUT A MESSAGE.

it's been one week and 11 hours since i last smoked. i have no idea if i'm a non-smoker now, or when that actually takes place. but it's hard not to feel good about myself lately.

Dear Cigarettes,

My love. It has been one week i've been without you. I am healing. You hurt me and I don't want you back."

- me.


"there's a crack in the door. it's okay to want more. you've been dying for years"

- Darren Hayes "Listen All You People"

DAY 7!!!!!!!! WHOA!

181 - 210 - 174

um. hi!!! we start day 7 of no smoking with an emissions test and renewing our car registration. so yay and cheers. good times.

eh, and some bad times...

so i left my ipod on the roof of my car. i blame waking up early for the stupid mistake... but anyway so it went flying off out into the street. some ass ran over it. still works though! crazy!

the screen is not so much in top shape, but everything else seems good.

the music lives on!

at 2am, tonight/tomorrow. it will be exactly ONE WEEK since i just PUT EM DOWN!

CURRENTLY SPINNING:
madonna - triggering

DAY 6!

6 days seems kinda big. like, i'm really doing this thing. oddly, it has been kinda easy for me. all my smoker friends respond to that by, "well you obviously didn't smoke your cigarettes correctly and that's why..." or "you clearly don't have as much nicotine in your blood as me."

What??????????????

firstly, bitches... i knew how to smoke a damn cigarette. i could be right up there being absolutley fab with the rest of them, if you know what i mean!

and 2ndly... yall just makin excuses. in your own time.

no stress... off into day 6 =)

DAY 5

slept like shit last night. could've been because i forced myself into bed hours before i normally would (like 1am.. haha).

had to wake up early today. it's not even 9... hey, it's good for the soul.

DAY 4

well, let's start with last night.

went out to plush (a bit different, kinda cool...) saw a local band had a drink and then it was off to the normal pub to continue in boozing and not smoking.

well, the night was a terrific success. i find that i enjoy sniffing other peoples cigarettes so... whatever... but see, i enjoyed it. i didn't want to partake... just sorta sit near a smoker. haha... dunno what that's about, but... it didn't seem to bother me.

day 4 has been wonderful. what i find, about day 4 that is really really amazing is that i'm good. i'm comfortable and i'm ok. i am doing this.

go me. for real, go me. i guess i would recommend quitting. it's kinda not hard.

bring on day 5

(this is what they call over confident. i need to watch it.)

DAY 3!!! GO SHIVA!

Over 48 HOURS SMOKE FREE!!!!!!!! we are now officially on the evening of day 3. it seems as though i've been invited out for drinks tonight. it feels like the first day over again. drinks... and no cigarette? *gulp* this is going to be a test, i'm sure of it. everyone said avoid coffee, and i did for the first day. but yesterday, i started drinking it again... so, bring on the drinks. i'm ready for the challenge. apparently, i can do anything!

i did bleach out the console of the car today, and finally felt brave enough to empty the ash tray in the car. it seems as though, i wasn't just a serious smoker, but i might've been quite a messy one. and there's this black gunk all over the inside of my car, on things i touch. like, the ceiling light in the car. i used almost half of a bleach spray bottle on the car. crazy! (and gross!)

i went and picked up lucy today and jon gave me a WHOLE BOX of nicotine gum. thanks!

so....... the whole experience so far has been tough... but not nearly as tough as i had imagined (or that so manyyyyyyyyyyy people had told me it would be).

what makes it easier is that i feel like i am winning. as each hour goes by, i'm actually doing this. ME!

totally listening to mantras over and over.... empowering and cleansing. perfect for what i'm doing with quitting, right?

Currently Listening To:
Donna De Lory: The Lover & The Beloved.


"govinda jay jay... jay govinda"

DAY TWO!

ok...... so, i've been Smoke Free for well over 24 hours. so, wow. let's make it 48, shall we?

OK....... LET GO AND LET GOD, RIGHT?

i bought 2 things tonight. i bought the nicotene transdermal system patch 21 mg stop smoking aid - step 1. also, i went to my local 7-11 (they all know me there, how sad...) and bought the cheepest pack of cigarettes they had, Gold Coast Menthol Kings. Still, of course, over five dollars a pack, but... i only had 3 cigarettes left in my Camel Crush pack and i knew that tonight i would gorge.

i have vowed to smoke this entire pack of cheap ass menthols before bed. Tomorrow is my Quit Day. i am actually sadly rocking it out on smoking this pack. i've about half left and i've had it for like two hours.

been reading all about triggers and blah and blah and blah-blah online tonight. all the information about quitting that you could possibly imagine (there's a lot. i think most of it is written by real live carebears).

Oh, for my good luck present, Tracy at work gave me a whole container of the Commit Lozengers. They've gone seriously on reduced price (why?). anyway, it was my gift from her. she's been, what do we call this? "Smoke Free" for a week beginning tomorrow. Her aniversery is my beginning.

Yes, i am commited to this. i'm frightened and apprehensive. all of these things are to be expected apparently from all that i've read.

let's see what else do i feel?

like i wont be a poet anymore.
like i wont be cool (yeah, as lame as that is, smoking was kinda my last bad ass thing that i do...)
like i can't do this (but they say i can)
like i'm about to get on the biggest and scariest ride of my life (on this, they say that i am)

but i also feel

like i'm being pro-active
like i'm gonna do this (*gulp*... let's not even start to think i'm being over confident. it's more like when you get on a bike and you're like... i'm gonna do this, and if you actually DO do it, you're like HOLY SHIT!!!! TOO FAST!!!!!! ARUGG!!!... but somehow you don't die.... more like that, is how i feel.)

and also, i feel a bit of nausia from smoking this whole pack.
i'd also like to perhaps improve on my spelling. i tried to do nausia correctly 6 different ways... then i said fuck it.

am i a quitter? is that good?
oh god.

for realz.... let go and let god. tomorrow is day one.

DOESN'T REALLY MATTER WHERE IT ALL BEGAN

ok... i think the dark cloud of dramz is lifting from my life. ha... at this point i don't even like to talk about bad things. all i can do for advice is say when things get to be shit. you work your buttocks off as hard as you can in every area and you don't look you just push until something changes.

i've been holding off on blogging about this next thing... but the time has now come. *SPAZ* today is my last day of smoking... i hope.

i begin tomorrow morning. october 2, which happens to be tiffany's birthday but that is ONLY a coincidence. it's one week from a co-worker of mine's quit day. she's been smoke free for one week and she was a heavy heavy smoker. i'd consider myself a heavy smoker also, and if she can do it for a week - then yes, i believe i can too.

we can change destinations, so in the interest of that... here goes my effort. wish me luck or whatever it is you think i may need in this endeavor.

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: Darren Hayes - Tension And The Spark. The album is intense.