fine.

well... my babies; new york city. the city has been disturbingly hot and humid since i have been here, threatening to break 100 day and night... the man says it's about to break... maybe cool down a couple degree's. hope so.

mom came to see me. it was so good to see her and jose. we had a little hotel party at her place, and a picnic on the hudson river.

it was the puerto rican day parade. and no doubt, my mother took her car and drove thru the parade a grand total of 4 TIMES. hehhe. i'm not sure she knew what she was doing. they had gotten there hotel on w 46th between 5th and 6th, and could not for the life of them get to the parking garage because of all the people. i laughed a lot. who does that!

anyway - my morning coffee is about gone, and it's time to get myself a job in this city. i've had enough of the wallowing in self pity, when apparently i'm sitting on the edge of every damn thing i've ever wanted.

time to get 'er done. make shit happen.

"giving up is not an option."

i leave for portland, maine on thursday for joanna's wedding. my love to you all. it turns out, everything looks a little scary, but is fine.

contemplation.... and the city.

i now have one week of the west village under my belt. and 2 weeks in new york... just shy of that....

so much is going through my head. no job yet. still on fumes. on one hand it makes me feel like noone wants me - like i'm not good enough - but then there's that sick sinking feeling of reality... that's like, "kid get off your ass and try a little harder..."

I still HEART new york. screw it =)

mom's comming to see me tomorrow. be very very very very good to see her.

fumes...

i got hired at a job. a waitering job. the guy was cool. said bring in 2 forums of ids tomorrow, and be here at 11.

i was there at 11. i worked till 2 in my street clothes, running around following this dude named ricky.

i busted my ass and worked hard. they all liked me.

they said i would sit down after dinner and fill out my paperwork.

at 2, when i was done the shift... they said "thank you, we have your number.. we'll call you." and i was like... uh??? what the hell...

so i inquired. said everything was fine.

then today, the call comes in .. on kevin's phone, coz some asshole jacked mine... that they were very sorry but the person they thought quit, did not, and that they didn't need me.

????????????????????????? what happened? i already got hired.... i worked... i did well??? i don't understand...

i am jobless, and at this point, broke, in new york.

i'm scared, and i don't know what to do.

get up off my ass tomorrow, and do it all again. what other option is there?

sad tonight. scared.

Where you can REALLY view the river....

the hotel riverview.

hedwig and the angry inch housed here, so i hear. the origin of sketch =) the survivors of the titanic tradgety of 1912 also housed here... i bet THAT was a fun party! it's truely not a horrid place. it's got a bad rep tho. i've only been here 6 days, and i know that. i knew that before i moved here.

i'll tell you what, tho. it's right in the village. if you think of it more as a rooming house, and less like a hotel, you're ok. if you think of it as a hotel, and you are aware what married upper middle class men do in their spare time... it's a bit sketchy.

i'm hopefully over exagerating there. in all seriousness, the room is super big. it's got a beautiful view over looking a very green courtyard (i could do without it, since i just moved to the city... but it is very beautiful). there's more than one electrical outlet.. super cute and extensive closet space... and best of all... 2 seperate beds!!!!!!!!! yay!

i'm happy to have given up my squatter status... it's just not a pretty word, like lesbian, or fork.

we slept for like 2 hours last night, and we didn't even go out - it was supposed to be a quiet mellow night. rented "meet the fockers." if you haven't seen it yet - although, i'm pretty sure i was the only one who hadn't.... - do so! it's funny as hell.

i have to confess that the hotel riverview is kinda cool to me... there is a kinda poetic romanticizim about it... it whispers creation... besides the fact, that other than doing it this way, i'll probably never be aford to live anywhere this south in manhattan unless i stumble joyfully onto a rent control... infact, i'm checking out a reality group called NOMA - that's north manhattan... Washington Heights... which is - i think... around 175th? more on that later....

so... here i reside, at least until next sunday, on jane street... next to the hudson river in the west village cusp of the meat packing district in lower manhattan, new york county, new york state: NEW YORK CITY.

Live! From New York, It's Saturday Night!!!

so here i am.

ok... so memorial day... closer to 7am then the schedual said, my greyhound pulled into New York City, and i stepped off the bus, and as my foot hit the ground i imagined a huge thunderous sound, like in those cartoons when the larger than life thing puts it's foot down onto the ground... a sonic boom... a man on the moon step... i am now a new yorker.

so, i'm not only a new yorker, but apparently a squatter, also. as many people as i've met who say, oh don't worry, it's a way of life here... and it's like you're in "rent." ...as many times as i've been calmed about it, i find it a bit disturbing that someone can come into your place and claim it.

i met christina rich on monday night, not long after i had moved in. she asked me who i was, and i asked her who she was, and she said it was her apartment.

it was awkward. i was ...i can't say uninformed, but certaintly misinformed. it was awkward.

she's a really really cool girl, and she's from kevin's home town in PA. they hit it off, and she thought i was a cutie.

so, anyway, she is playing it super cool (kevin says she has too... ) we're telling her we've been here for a month... but you and i know, secretly, that i had only been here under 12 hours when she and i met.

anyway, so she gave us until sunday, and said she'd be cool... if we helped her clean up the apartment (it was a horrific mess when i walked in...)

so... she's comming over with kevin when he gets out of work tonight, and we're all going to drink beer and clean.

what they don't know is my nerves have been shot all day so hard from mourning my lost relationship, new york, being a squatter, where i'm going to live in the morning, and that i've no job yet... that i have cleaned the entirity of the 5 room railroad apartment.

welcome to hell's kitchen - don't kid!

anyhow... i am a bit high off of a bleach and random cleaner high... i've gotta rectify a situation in my blog.

seth, i dunno if you read this or not, but... when i said i didn't want you anymore... you and i both know that's me projecting a fear.

our deal can have ended. and it can be sad, but i'll be damned if i'm not fair about it.

anyway - i gotta go, they'll be here soon.

"it cuts so strange. the only thing that stays the same is change."