another wild friday night! ehh... wasn't so wild this friday. tracie, shell, mario, and i went out. met arlo at the bar... had some drinks. good times were had. we laughed much. i like hanging out with the *girls* on fridays. it's pretty cool.

so... i go into work today. and terry is pushing me. will not let me stop. asking me to help everyone, and i almost lose it, but don't.... i mean she asks me to help the dishwashers, the cooks, the other servers.... at one point i have to change the dishwashing liquid which is this intricate process i cannot begin to explain... nor would you really want to hear (be honest...)... so, finally i go up to her at the end of the day...

...and i got promoted! i am a RP for the weekends. alternate weekends with mary. i run the restaurant on friday and saturday nights (busiest nights... eek!). i begin my training on wednesday. i'm glad i've got all those button downs from ups. kinda cool, anyway. go me!

wireless internet is an incredible thing! here i am, tonight, blogging from my bed... sirius laying on my feet, all comfy in bed....

so, i guess i was thinking... i wanted to express how happy i am latley. how happy any person should be with goals in mind.. with a LOT of goals in mind. not just dreams... dreams are pretty, and usually something along the lines of farytales - however, let's not diss dreams, they're a wonderful first step - but i'm talking goals. i'm talking it's gonna take a lot of hard work, and it's gonna be worth it, coz i'm not gonna give up till it's done, goals...

new york, whether i am surrounded by familiar faces, or i am going there alone. just me, i am still going there, because it is what i want to do with MY life. if i seem oddly differently latley, it's because i've realised i actually have one. i have in my hands, a life. a living breathing life: me. and i get to do with that, what i will. it is the one thing i must take care of.

to tell you the truth everybody; I AM SICK TO DEATH OF MY DARK PERIOD. i'm tired of hearing myself moan and bitch about how dissatisfied i am. so, really... you're gonna step aside. it's me time.

does that sound selfish? good. bout fuckin' time - don't you think, mom?

i love you all more than words can say. up and past the sky.

"you should move because you're wanting to, not because i fly... can you only view your dreams when you're up there in the sky..."

tim - in true fashion - did the coolest thing... hooked me up with a link to the greatest site in the world!! i can't, of course, let it out, coz i want all the apartments in new york city to MYSELF MUAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHA! but... this thing is commin together more and more and more...

my favorite movie of all time... "if lucy fell" with sarah jessica parker. everything about the movie i love. every single thing about it... so... there was this other movie out there for a couple of years now called "life without dick." sarah jessica parker in it... her exboyfriend in "if lucy fell" was named dick so i was really excited. maybe it was a part 2, or a spin off, or something....

i've waited years for this film. i've only ever seen it on DVD, and it's only recently that i got a dvd player... so, today i finally watched it.......

it had nothing to do with "if lucy fell." it was kinda a really shitty movie, and to top it off... i used to think harry connick jr. was kinda a hottie... but, um... he's not really. not really at all.

i gotta go shoot something.

it''s 630am, sunday morning... i am still nursing a multiple bar excursion i took friday evening with shelly, mario, and kimmy.... it all started friday morning at the restaurant. shelly comes over to me, "oh my god!!! that woman is totally nursing her baby at the table in the middle of my station!!!!!" and i turned to her and offered up my news, "table 2 is giving their kid coffee!!!!!!! he's gotta be 4 years old!!!!!!!!" the debate began if any of these things were really wrong? who knew... maybe not wrong, but certaintly NOT right!... and so..

the convo evolved into shelly confiding in me that her therapist-group suggests that she go out and get some shag to help her get over sam. the therapist-group actually suggested this as a means to begin the healing process and move on with her life... she hadn't been with anyone besides sam since they broke up in november.

shelly lives pretty close to me, so we decided we'd walk home together. she wanted me to see her new cat. we stopped at my place first so i could change and get my bank card to make a deposit (the bank is inbetween our houses...) and then off we went to shellys.

we played with kitty, laughed a bit, and then decided to go check out this super cool diner/bar on 4th called Bison Witches (get it! get it! buy sandwhiches... ahhh hahahhahaahaha - whatever...). the place was jive! i loved it, and we both had dirty martini's and nachos. good festive times were being had, and we'd decided we'd go home by 7pm... but then...

Mario calls. he's off of work. he wanted us to go see the new Carmen Electra movie with him. we were like, "uh... no." so he came and met us at the diner. mario is a hillarious tucson born and raised big old homosexual! loud, obnoxious, funny as hell. not afraid of anything. under tacky in the dictionary - his face. you got it right?

kevin - but uneducated.

so - mario wants to go to some joint called "the buffet." he calls it a mixed club... ash used to tell me about how he used to pick up men and women there, so i kinda had an idea of what we were getting ourselves into.... but shelly was on a mission, and i was there to help... and mario was more than happy to come along for the ride....

and so we went.... the buffet is the sleaziest... nastiest... *shiver* ...okay, you know that rest area smell? where you can just smell and it smells like piss and condoms? it had that smell when you walked in... shelly was unimpressed, as would i have been, except that there was graffitti tagged all over the place... the floors the bar, the chairs, the celing.... the walls... everything had graffitti on it!!! i guess i sorta have a graffitti fetish....

i read this book a couple years ago "graffitti art" or something to that effect where-in it had photo's of graffitti done on subway cars and in allys, and was speaking of the beauty and art, and culture of it... and i was like "YES!!! i totally agree!!" and ever since then, i felt justified and backed up for my love of graffitti....

so... anyway - we were there. and it was sleazy, and after a couple drinks we were getting into it... i thru shelly, encouraging her to eye out guys and mario into it, coz it was funny... we were having a blast!! shelly and mario were in a hicky contest. he gave her one, she gave him one.. and then she gave me one!!!!!!! i didn't think it was sooo bad... uh huh... UH HUH!!!!! bitches! evidently at this point in the evening we were bonding and BECOMMING with our nasty/trashy surroundings.... leather motorcycle men, a hooker (for sure!), a bunch of college kids (of course) some ripe homo's (did i meantion that there were college kids?)... and the hicky club. fabulous....

oh but then... for the love of urination... i had to pee.

and so i began the long walk from where our table was to the boys bathroom... the bar was crowded as hell... i get to the bathroom, and graffitti of course, everywhere... and the set up is this: a stall - with no door... and a toilet, and a man sitting on it.

around a corner - not far - is a trough! who the hell thought of men pissing in a trough like a bunch of pigs (a woman? a woman must've done this... a bitter - jaded - woman??? it's sooo gross to me...)... alright. i so digress....

so 2 guys were at the trough deal, and a guy sitting on the toilet. from the moment i walked into the bathroom... the guy on the toilet, really had to go... and he was making loud loud nasty bowl sounds... and taking a SHITTTTTT right there in the bar with no DOOR ON THE STALL!!! and it was LOUDDDDDDDDDD!!!! ....i tried to ignore it... but i'd had drinks... i walked up to the stall, and tried so hard to pee... instead, horrified at myself; i bust out laughing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and the 2 guys next to me start laughing pretty loud too... and i was like, "i'm so sorry!" and ran out of the bathroom...............

ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

ah, so then kimmy calls. she just got cut, what are we all doing? the bathroom incident had just occured and so kimmy called in the midst of it, as we were all losing our stuff... she couldn't resist... kimmy's sooo into that nasty boys bathroom humor....

and so kimmy came... and arlo and shelly met (his name isn't arlo.. but he was from new orleans, and sounded just like arlo guthrie)... a photographer who was new in town... sexy, hairy, and a southern accent just like shelly... the accent oddly enough is all but absent in tucson... i was disapointed with this when i first moved down, but then, along came shelly, and now arlo....

soon there after, shelly leaves (her report is that they did the big nasty 8 TIMES!!!!! take that therapist group!!) ... and we go to North, on fourth. drinks and festive joyfullness occures...

and then it's saturday. and it's an hour after i'm supposed to go to work... and i'm near death...

i had slept for about 3.5 hours. i was dead. but i went in... and everyone made endless jokes at me... and my day was one i wish to soon forget....

but now, it is sunday... and i'm on my 2nd cup of coffee, and i still think your bowels should never be let loose in a bar... my hicky is still with us, and i shall try my damnedest yet again to cover my shame and success at shelly's 8 rounder from the world...

ahhh... yes! i had a weekend! finally! and something cool - if not humiliating... to write of....

and so now - on with the day!

how do you know if your life is tragic? are no lives tragic, and only the listeners of each story who narrow mindedly call other lives tragic?

i find stories where one person wishes to give another an endless supply of love and praise... or maybe moreso praise than love? admiration? who knows... love has never been perfectly defined... and the other person blocks all of this love... allowing only shards of what could be, to become... but love is a vicious little thing, isn't it?

so, a relationship is a choice? because i swear to you it ain't fluffy and pink... but is it as not as i think? i'm confused, and not sure... unwilling to further investigate.

it's funny how feeling so much can numb a person to feeling only a shadow of what they once felt. or, do they just start lying to themselves... for protection, preservation.... and secretly feel every single bit of what they always did?

if it's a choice, then it's understood that choices are made, yes?

a relationship can shine a mirror on you. you see things in yourself you never ever dreamed were there... dark things, bright things... which, so i am told, if allowed to exist (and they must be...) are beautiful.

...ahh.. deep thoughts. tonight i drink tequilla and think of a billion things. i am alone tonight, and listening to strong music...

thinking of what all is in my head that needs to come out (amoung so many other things... i am told i'm also a writer... so things must want to come out, yes?)... but so much of the same comes out, that i know i must still wait for what else is inside to reviel itself.

"instead of a spit in the eye, i tear out my heart." - p. griffin

WELCOME TO THE TUESDAY UPDATE
brought to you by circle k, and marlboro 72's "less cigarette for the same price... you silly silly fool!"

thus far the day has been quiet and joyfull... a few pleasant convo's with some friends on line.. a welcomed day off in the life of jamie, the waiter. while purchasing cigarettes at the circle k up around the corner, who other did i run into (who hugged me... odd...) but kyle, or kevin, or ken... one of the 3... red hair and kid-wonder harry potter sexy secretary (doesn't work on him...) frames guy from the bar... he inquired of the boyfriend, and i informed him he was fine, and at work... not shocking.

the little old happy grandma cashier and i exchanged pleasant conversation about the national jizz rags, and jenn and brad, and that he's 41 "can you believe it!" so says everyone... was there a press release? did we believe he could be 39, but never 41... where did 40 go?

the wind is blowing sweet and warm with the smell of (could it be spring in arizona?) sweetness in the air. slightly over cast, a wonderfully comfortable day. i believe i shall engage in a stroll down by the santa cruz... river (bed)... to take some pics of the river for my family and friends...

all seems to be well, the cat is still meowing... he had a taste of the outdoors when he performed an almost magical houdini type escape through my legs the other day and out onto the patio... i wouldn't mind, really, for him to go out but he goes over the fence and gets stuck.. a very sweet and not very bright animal...

hazel nut coffee and apple cinamon oatmeal for breakfast. contemplation over the right/and wrong ways of going about moving into the city... a nice day thus far. yes, i would call it nice. a very nice day off for jamie, the waiter.

wow.... i had suspected, but was not sure up until about an hour and a half ago how much of a NERD i have turned out to be....

in my mailbox today arrived a box. a happy little harmless looking white cardboard box. ahh... i threw down my book bag and keys and BOA statement, and ran into the house dancing! it had come! FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i made sure all of the windows in the house were closed. i took a shower for this special occasion... got my socks on, got ready....

and popped Deborah Gibson's new "Memory Lane Volume 1" cd into my laptop, her bsides and unreleased collection, and turned up my benwins!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

arugggggggggggggggg!!! so cool! such a dork!

so - it's settled. i'll be going up to new york city to look for apartments on the first of march. i'll get to see all my friends in maine, and whatall is inbetween... pretty excited and scary trip that is being planned, but i swear to god, i'm going to do it. so - for all of those who think i wont actually do this... i hope you're ready for what's to come... coz i damn well am!

easy... easy like a sunday morning... it's 702am. sundays are my favorite. something about the world seems different on sundays, calmed i suppose. maybe that's something i kept from my childhood... i'm enjoying morning tea, and plotting all things considered about how i'm going to pull off this next venture in my life. music class begins next week. i'm excited for that. a fun class to take, i believe, and informative, and possibly important for me.

we watched the prince and me, and troy last night... i was too sleepy and missed the end of troy, all good, coz i saw all the parts i needed too *grin*... poor brad and jenn, i was rootin' for em..

so i fell asleep with tequilla and a fire going in the fire place. having a fire place is an odd thing. the cat sitting by it, us curled up. dare i say it's romantic... at least peacefull...

i'm going to try to put a picture on my blog... we'll see what happens.

mornin' coffee in your skivs!! no other way to start the day, while everyone else is still asleep. before anything can go wrong, or otherwise interupt your day...

i'm excited for new york. for every single reason i'm moving there, i'm excited for it. i'm proud of myself for getting the ball rolling, and i'm nervous about finding a place to live, and what exactly i'll do for employment... am i nuts? if so, that'll probably be good when i get there. a good tool to use LOL

went out to an old west style saloon/restuarant. it kinda reminded me of fort wilderness @ disney in orlando. hidden valley inn. we sorta thought we might be some place famous for a while.. yknow... hidden valley ranch, but while the food was alright.. it was a steak house and i had bbq chicken, it was not so famous. in the foothills, on the east side, right below mt. lemon.

i have the day off today, saturday. i rarely have saturdays off. i wanted to go to Lake Havasue City in the north west part of arizona today. the original london bridge is there. i guess some dude bought it, and transfered it over here stone by stone, and recreated it. granted it's quite a bit shorter than the original... but yes dear readers... the original London Bridge is right here in Arizona. we'll see if i actually get to go up today... i was also thinking about maybe spending the day in nogales, mexico doing some shopping and hanging around generally. who knows! the whole day is ahead of me.

that is, if i don't get caught up in super mario bros. 3 on my game boy advance... i'm almost thru level 8... and i'm a bit addicted.

frog just got back from austin. she says it's crazycool there! she said she had to come back early for fear of alcohol poision - yes! sounds fun. a place in texas that is cool? no! couldn't be! ...but, maybe?

i could go up to phoenix today!....

and january goes past... but all is fine. and the thoughts in my head are mine alone for a moment until i'm ready to speak... but until then... "IN EACH FIRE"
Must’ve been the desert...
Coz I have never seen it before...
But the fire lit up the whole damn sky...
And you would have had to have been blind not to know for sure...
smoke signals caught you...
And we watched the fire eclipse the city lights...
Here, in your car next to you...
And I love you more than ever, and I’m sorry I can no longer fight...
I know that...
In each fire we find
another reason to spend our time...
And all over heaven we climb...
Looking for things like we left behind..
And maybe god can tell us why...
Maybe god can tell us why...
500 miles across the desert floor
and we’re still not anywhere...
Radio on... and nobody’s talking
And the dust is flying... proof that we were there....
It’s hard to know what is right
when you’re crying this hard...
I close my eyes and I am still running
away from your car...
But I know... (chorus)
And now
ashes... oh, ashes....
Baby, I guess that now...
We can finally fall down....
(Chorus)
500 miles across the desert floor
and we still ain’t anywhere...
END © December 1, 2004 ARRFBC