what to report, if anything? time seems to be moving... but not really getting anywhere. i know it's christmas time, and other than a noticible drop in temperature here in the desert, it doesn't look or feel a bit like christmas. thanksgiving was a fine day. i picked up a shift at the restuarant and worked 6am - 10am. couple extra bucks. then there was quite the traditional feast which the 2 of us enjoyed much... and are still enjoying... it's like the neverending left overs... ups is a ridiculous job... and it makes me want to go back to waitering. could i be a professional waiter? ...am i just not transitioning well? juggling the 2 jobs seems fine, but i miss all the free time waiting tables in the morning for 6 hours afforded me. new york is still very much in my future plans, and it's hard to think about, and increasingly harder and harder to talk about. again, i wonder about bilocation and double lives... if one could split, and fullfill 2 lives... would they? it's difficult when things are well, and much easier when they are not... for all of the pain and exaustion... terror and frustraition... loneliness and confusion... fear and loss of ambition... you end up with love. what a pisser. what can ya do... *shrug*

i have one day off a week, and it is pouring rain in the middle of the desert. should i find this funny, or sad? rather irrelevant as i quite enjoy rain... the 2 jobs are going fine. i was quite ill last week with a flu, or cold, or whatever it is that is going around and i missed a few days, so it was a bit of a vacation... although not really since i felt near death the whole time. been watching back episodes of ab-fab... absolutly fabulous. a british sitcom based around these 2 messes of human beings. these 2 very very funny women patsy and eddie. good times. i've certaintly heard of them before, and also, i watched a few episodes in my time... but seriously, quite funny. check em out if you get the chance. funny.

other than... i suppose all is going well. mom. email me. where have you gone on vacation? be well everyone.

oh my god! 55$ later.... and a year of searching... and i've achieved it. what is it you ask? well... one day not so far from now, in my shitty new york city apartment, we will be quite drunk and singing along... "BUM......... FUCK......... ARKANSAS!" YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!

how does/when does the idea of someone being there, forever become horrific? when it was all you were longing for... is all that you are longing for, your most fear? does your mind change, or do your eyes open? do you see less, or more as you experience life?

this is where we decide, we will not lie down. we will not stop, and we will not die. we will change. "what you get is to be changed." - jorie grahm.

is new york the other man in my life? how would anyone compete, then? ...am i so simple? or is there more? what is the real truth, unspoken? ...tap tap tap...

what i do know, is we are all here for now, and we have the power to do with it what we will, and want. and where we are all heading is where we are all heading... be it heaven or hell, or all and everything that is between. and you cannot pretend, any longer. you must go and be yourself. this is what i've learned. if you are strong enough, yourself will always get the best of you. and when you let it, then your life can truley begin.

or so i believe.

friday. joy & rapture. my third day of actual employment at the office (lol that sounds so weird...) the first day was horrible. really really bad. i forgot everything - which they were so cool about and said we all would, and we all did.... - yesterday, seems went a lot smoother. today, maybe they'll be perfect?? i highly doubt it, but you know what... sticking with something is how you make it perfect. i am not giving up. today is dress down day. jeans and a t-shirt. that's cool. i have sat, sun, and monday off. i work at the restaurant on sunday morning, but other than that, a couple days off to regroup myself. the new job is a lot of thinking and problem solving. in a way i guess denny's is too, but i have been doing it so long, that every single procedure just got dull and too easy for me. this new job is so unlike anything i've ever done. i have a headache pretty much everynight so far. it's hard to jump in and take a chance and do something new with your life... but sometimes, even if it hurts a little... it is just exactly what the doctor ordered. be well, i promise you all that i am.

well, i graduated yesterday. i swear to god, i have a diploma and everything! LOL i am now an official shipping agent for UPS. my very first office job. i am on the floor today, and i swear to you that christmas Is INFACT comming. i'm going to be able to get crazy overtime this holiday season, which the word in the hallway is... lasts until almost february. bring it on, i need the dinero! training class was a lot of fun and i met some really cool people. "uh... that's an ID-10-T problem.. i'll have to transfer you to universal. please hold!" =) hahahaha... we had a "potluck" yesterday after the final exam. i made guacamole, and there was lazagna and salads, chips, and soda, and punch... this dude sid made tamales which i passed on coz they had meat in them... the girls devoured them though, and then sid told everyone he made them with deer meat!! the girls freaked out!! haha... we had the feast in the great dining hall (that's how i refer to it... yall might call it a cafeteria... moving on...) and they had a graduation line in front of everyone who happened to be on lunch. thomas gave us our diplomas and then we had to slap hands of all the soups... and then at the end of the line, cyndi gave us these kooky little chain deals to put our badges on that have a pully so you can open doors (our badges are keys...). it was all a bit poofed, but it seems like it's going to be a really cool place to work. "...breathe, it wont be long now, breathe."

so... it seems i've become a huge kylie minogue addict!! who knew i'd go THERE! lol...

this weekend was alright... went out dancing saturday night. i mean, really dancing! i haven't done that in so long... it felt really good. i got a bank account on saturday morning, which the "old me" would never have had...

old me/new me... i usually hate when people do that to themselves. i mean, honestly, let's give the old us's some credit. we were cool! we could stay up for a very long time, we loved everyone so much... innocently looking only for love, and a groovy address.

but it turns out, that you get a glimps of yourself in the mirror... and though you know you are FAR from done... you are changing. and it feels good, and scary.

but, let there be no confusion... i am still searching for the groovy address. just not so innocently this time!

"and we'll paint by numbers, till somethin' sticks..."

i just voted!!!! my civic duty completed. i guess we sit back and wait for the president elect to be nominated on january 7, i believe is the date? so get out there and VOTE, you still have got today.

halloween was a fun night. seven black cats turned out to be closed, so we went to hearts 5, club congress where this girl wanted me to sing a duet with her of "mexican radio.." i declined. then we ended up at IBT's... it was a good night.

it's only like 45 this morning in tucson. cold!!!!!!! it'll warm up tho.

hey! have i ever told you guys that i have the best mom in the entire world??? SHES WONDERFULLLLLL AND I LOVE HER VERY VERY MUCH!!!!!!!!!!

alright - go vote! byeeeeee happy november!