i had my morning coffee with patrick this morning. i guess online can be a good thing. i haven't had morning coffee with him in forever. he's good people. glad he's my friend. i remember once, seth saw a picture of him on his computer. they evidently have the same cameras or something, and seth thought the picture was taken from his camera, and didn't know who patrick was. a good example of how distant i am with my friends, sometimes. they stick right in there and love me, though. i remember thinking that day, no the picture wasn't taken with your camera, but i wish it were. that would mean i'd seen niko (patricks nickname) within the last year. alas... thanks for the morning coffee, boy.

i suffer from "this is the end of my life" syndrome. like, if seth and i haven't fooled around in a few days, i think, "our sex life has ended." i live in tucson, arizona for a couple of months, and "this is how i end up in a desert. i'll never see water again as long as i live." if i have stayed at a job longer than 2 months i think, "yup, i'm going to work at dennys for the rest of my life."

i don't think i need to see, more. i see much. i just need to see further. have trust in somethings, maybe. maybe, i'm talking about faith?

time is what i need, and what the doctor ordered... but i've been terrified of time since i was young. i had a horrifying day when i obsessed about it when i was in my late teens. i was 17 i think, and i thought my life had complelty passed me by. i was depressed for months. now, at 28, i think the same thing... and i have every year since.

sure, i'm getting older. i'm growing up, as it is... but it's not over. at all.

things are still changing. my life didn't ever end. this isn't "2nd best..." this is it. the real thing... me and my little self, need to get going.

"hold on for one more day."

i took my writing test for pima community college today. i took my reading test the end of last week. i was so scared to take these tests. i have a low opinion of myself. at least i did begining this venture.... i know i'm not perfect, and i for real never said i was... i infact said i was a big dork, if anyone had asked... i think a new door is opening for me. something is happening. it feels like a rocket to the sky that i better god damned well grab a hold of because it can take me anywhere - at all - that i wish to go!!!

i got a 97 today in writing, and i got a 94 in reading!! i'm proud of myself. it's cool to get a slap on the ass from some place other than a man, or dennys.

tomorrow is the dreaded math exam... i would rather stick a lightbulb in my ass than do it... but i'm going to do it. i don't expect to do even half as well, but i'm going to take it anyway.

the fight has blown over. as much as it's going to. we're both covered in soot, but seth is over his head in this project for work he's doing. i'm sure he doesn't even notice.

i'll blame the definitive punctuation of a period in our sex life on that too. juggle, boy, juggle. ehh, i took my self-masturbation test years ago, and passed with flying colors... i can be bad by my damn self.

"i don't always feel lucky, but i'm smart enough to try." - ani difranco.

we had a fight last night. a missunderstanding i had, that evidently did it for seth. i slept on the couch. he has a knack for saying things that kill me a little. is there a way out of this... a way up and out of this? into a better us? someone give me faith. i'm losing all of mine.

i enrolled in pima community college for the fall. we've a new house on the way.

jesus.....



"tied are not my hands. this strangeness and empathy is part of me."

arugggg it's not even 1 yet. ooops, i guess it is. it's one minuite after one.

i woke up this morning, one of those mornings you're like... "waking up, now that sounds dumb..."

i did it anyway - phone messages galore. i accidently blew off aidrian and amy last night. i try and twist and turn this into a positive, as is my right as an imperfect human being. blowing aidrian off, may cool him a bit. (i hope...)

then there was the new prospective landlord, who called everything (seth said he wouldn't... seth who only believes he's always right, and not always is...). so the dude is confused about our landlording refrences; which we bullshitted. we're going to have to be creative to get out (or into) this one.

then there was kevin. he tested negative. *exhale*... alright, until next week when he does the same stupid thing again, everything is fine. or has already probably done something stupid, and has yet to tell me.... but for right now, all is well.

marrage. god. religious fundementals. i've got a whole gaggle of homosexuals, saying that they themselves getting married under god, is a horrible thing.

PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

these are the same people who told you you were revolting and no good for a) kissing a boy. b) wanting to kiss a boy c) for not going to bed at your alloted bed time, which wasn't universal, only what they decided was your bedtime.

i wish we could get god to come on down. or some respectable representation, which would be like; "alright peeps.... listen, we've got some big questions out on the table, and i never meant for yall to abhor one another, and more-so yourselves. you're fine, carry on. love is a good thing. you're doing okay."

this means, somewhere down inside me, i feel i'm doing okay. that i am okay. that i'm fine; still. clean; still.

am i forgiving myself?

is my tiny peice of god inside me, finally allowing me to move on with my life?

that'd be nice. i punish myself. i've noticed this latley. i actually do that. something i feel guilty about (if i should or not...) and i punish myself. WTF is that about?

i got days at dennys. i am working my ass off to do my part at the house. i'm being - trying - to be a good boyfriend.

i make myself gag.

i don't have the tolerance to listen to myself right now. i'm aware all is fine. i guess i'll just accept that for right now. it seems good enough.

"...when when when, if at all will you realise, where where where do and done are the same?"

"everything is arizona is hot." i'm bigger than that comment, right? mostly i disagree with it, because some things here can be damn cold.

i do believe we create our worlds. i wonder if i'm shutting down? i was warned that this may happen at some point. without my fire-fueled strive for betterment through self deprication... might ship be abandoned... ?

i refuse, for one time, to think much into this. i only know i've things to do. arizona has changed. it's an open space. it's dangerous to view the land this way, that it is asking to be built apon, and it's not because there's nowhere else to go. but because man points and says "mine." and he's got club in hand, to ensure his wishes come true.

i wonder who i am without a club? the things that are for you, just are. no club needed right? and so i grasp this open desert. say yes, and not no. ...my comfy place, where i shall sit and wait... but not with stillness. i have a lot of things to do.

i look at my tattoo sometimes. it's a marker of where we began. i've had it as long as i've been with him. a tattoo, is just ink... except... now it's part of me. it seems much more than ink, but it's just ink. go ahead, try to take it off. try all you wish. so much more will come with it. a permanent scar.

it takes a lot to say something is uncool. but you do. and people think you do it all the time, because you're always pushing for a betterment. for a perfection. but noone see's you as perfectionist, because by their standards you are not. but by yours, and the things that you hold in high regard... you're relentless... yet they do not see it. so those few and far inbetween times, when you really collect about yourself the courage to say, "i really was disapointed by that." it's important for it to be heard. but who knows, if it ever were.

coz it made me feel bad. i can't afford it. i have to do this, because it's the right thing, wrong thing, the thing, to do. it doesn't matter. i see it now. there are no excuses. even, but my mom might get hurt really bad, doesn't matter. morality doesn't matter. worldly good, and doing your part; eveything is excuses.

he'll hate me. he'll leave. i'll feel bad. i'll feel good. nothing matters anymore. how thrilling, and how frightening. there are no excuses at all. i'm open mouthed at this realization. and i'm not exactly sure where it began, or where the hell it would end... but thinking about that, is just another excuse.

i'm not sad or happy or anything. i'm just here, standing in an open desert floored by all that lies before me, behind me, and on each side of me. what is above and below me. ....where am i?