feels so weird without him. i guess i should have just asked for space, but i was angry. and damn well right that i was angry... but all i needed was some space. how fool to portray that as some sexual vision of my future. that wasn't it at all. not even a little bit. i haven't changed in that sense at all. ahhh well, i hope wherever he - you - seth is. he's okay.

as for me... i'm onto the 3rd tales of the city book. carol is getting done sept 1. that hit me really hard. that's my boss folks... and i'll miss her horribly. it makes my future decisions even more difficult. kevin and i are dying our hair tonight. he says it's supposed to make me feel better... we shall see.

i feel like i'm in a dream. i don't know what to do. so i do nothing. i do not want this, but can think of no other way to free us each from this bs we've made. you think i do want it. just for the sake of it happening, and that hurts me a lot.

could he really have been the better boyfriend to you? well then, good luck. are you really not proud of me at all? well, then... good luck. and i mean that. good luck.

kate asked if i'd change bedrooms with her, and i jumped at the opportunity. yes yes yes. there's no way in hell i'll stay in that room without you. i am somebody to be proud of. i'm sure i must be. i think i must live towards that.

sad.. angry... sad... angry... sad... angry... which is it? i wish i'd pick. you think i want to be single. that that just might be all this is? i wish you were right, but again, you are not.

bobby and chrissy are pregnant again.... mom just emailed that to me. i wish i could start over. i wish i could be a baby. do it again. do it better.

ignore what people will do when they can. don't really want to breathe today. can do that later.

i feel like i should get paid to be out here on the pier writing poetry. i'm hyper aware that i continually look out into the ocean, searching for whatever it is i think i'll find out there... my current state of existance is drawing money into this northern town.

i live in a tourist town. even though daily i'm asked where the interstate or waterfront is located by complete STRANGErs dressed in khaki's and visors... unmercifully revieling their upstate jersey, west virginia, and connicticut heritages... i forget this is a tourist town.

i'm lost in poetry and thought out here today. i'm supposed to be at goodwill hunting for funky t-shirts except i tripped into this as-far-as-i-know unnamed thrift store that was having a .10 cent book sale today. a book of eurpopean folk songs and the boston university student "stylus" publication brought me here.... i guess i've given up on goodwill. their prices and look are nearing an almost wal-mart looking peak. god bless america, right?

i'm supposed to be at work but thanks to a 3day Phish Concert in upstate and all these dang tourists i've got more money than i really even desire to have.

the fog is intense! it's a nice day. everything looks like it is struggling to be seen. the fog shows a more truthfull side to everything.

my self perservation is unprecidented!

the many different sounds... boats and gulls... a distant crane moaning in defiance of ANOTHER day of hard-work.. babies, boys... the city behind me behaving as it wishes... and as it should.

the senora and tucson are very much on my mind. an excitement i hadn't intended upon... i'm anxious and currious.

yes, i have an urge for going. unlike ms. mitchell i no longer wish to go alone... (i'm obsessed with ellipses... <--see) tagging myself as the untouchable mystery nor the unkeepable rugged boy of my past.

my city is beautiful this time of year. the recession of america not really showing it's face around here... unless you look to see the few empty seats on the ferry boats.

life will fight to live. all else aside, thus far, we have prooved ourselves unstoppable.

the big pirate looking boat almost just ran into the pier. serenity is definitly in the eye of the beholder.

kevin's merger with socitiety is going much better than i had hoped for him. he is moving onto the next chapter of his life with an ammount of bravery that has injected a whole new life in things i have grown tired of...

seth's need for me in his life is surfacing it seems. or i'm seeing it when i had not before. not sure.

seeming more fragile and unsure than before... i wonder a way to show us both that that concerns seems further and further away?

maybe as we take our first steps hand in hand into a furture that we actually choose together... maybe then?

tonight is the art club and-all-that-jazz and more galla that seth learned about on a utility pole flyer in downtown. i'm nervous about any invite that involves staples and a bulk price from kinko's, but hell. why not, right?

i hope my last day in portland feels like today. free and beautiful..

i sometimes wonder if my communication skills are shot? is it just the desire to communicate that is shot? does it dull out after a long while? does the excitement of life fade? when one is old... will they just be old... and death turns out to be a welcome thing... you'd throw a party and be so happy with finally getting the last thing you wanted... after assumingly getting everything else you had wanted.

my home is an interesting place... i think it's full of life. yet, the life feels somewhat sour. old. i dream of leaving it this afternoon... and nothing drastic has happened. just wondering what it would be like to just leave it.

seth is not happy... or he is happy... or he doesn't experience happy. you know that's possible. we just assume that everyone is capable of feeling the emotions that we do. and that it's ungood if they cannot. i wonder were he dressed in pink, engaged in 3somes and screaching for the gods of sodomy... if i'd think that were him happy....

are we being watched? do we want to be? do we like reality programming making an ass out of each of us.... the desire fading in and out like an ecstasy pill to have cameras following us, making an equal ass out of each of us... finding out we would want that? prolly we think that we could do better and not look like such an ass..

if i know one thing.... we are all the same ass.