7.25.2003

ahhh... coffee. so, new york city tomorrow... bussing it to boston via greyhound, then taking this "china-town's connector" bus that seth recommended called the lucky star bus. lovely... i hope i don't die. i wonder if seth's motivation is for me to be stir fry? hahaha...

excited to be in manhattan again. be nice to shake off portland-life for a day or so.... so, start spreadin the news.....

7.20.2003

sunday, sunday... i love sundays. i usually wait tables in the morning, and it's mega-busy, so when i'm done, about 3pm, i like to do something relaxing... something joyfull. so today, though... one of the girls i work with wanted to pick up my shift, so i let her, and took the whole day off..

seth and i went to wells/ogunquit on the amtrack. my first time on the train out of portland. the day went rather well. there were a few moments of disgrace on both of our parts... and it is interesting, when you see reality, rather than the portrait you were looking for, and living inside of.

reality. whatever that is, i think is somewhere close to that moment, where you just stop and think for one second, and you're like... "oh! this isn't what i had planned at all, is it?" when you see panoramic veiws of yourself and those around you... and you can blot out the others for one moment, and say, "what do i want." "what do they want, and what can i give them"... it's a chain it keeps on going....

tonight, i come home and kevin has emailed me a trio of unnerving emails. a suggestion to read his blog, and i think he's counting on me. and this is what i can do for him. and i wish him soooo much luck. i don't know what he's going to do. i know what i hope he does... but he's not me, so i don't know what he'll do... besides, be fine. i don't know what he'll do.

he's a brave guy. i've had moments like his saturday. he was at a club and all of a sudden everything got too loud, too ugly, too wrong, too far away. he freaked a bit, it sounds. and i've been there. *waves welcome home sign* you've always got a place to go. infact, kevin has his family, and a best friend out there. he does have some more stuff than he thinks he does. don't be sad kev. don't be too sad anyone.

*hugs the world.*

7.16.2003

heard from kevin today. seems to be doing well... met my mom online for a game of scrabble. it was nice to hang out with my mom, even if it was cyberspace about it. everything is lovely and i am finding nill to complain about... love seems like a ridiculous thing, that we all strive for, but as i grow older, i have less and less understanding as to why?

does that mean i'm doing it wrong? does that mean i think to much? what does love got to do with anything, really?

sex, and your friends. is that not how it should be. pure x-rated sex with multiple partners of people you don't know??? and then go hang out with your friends who never threaten to abandon you?

yeah, i don't think that that is it. we pride ourselves on not being animals, right? or do we pride ourselves on being animals, but able to socially lie about it?

anyway, it was good talking to my mom. that was my favorite part of today.

7.09.2003

oh blah... my last post was messy. today's been a cool day. it's wednesday. thought it was tuesday for most of the day. kevin's been manic most of the afternoon.... he's funny. buying his plane ticket home tonight. what a sad thing. i wish him much luck, and hope to see him very soon.

tonight seth and i are going to this folk music festival up on the west end. 8pm. i hope!! we have a good time. i've dressed and redressed for the last 3 hours, trying to feel secure enough to go out with him. i know it still wont be enough. the rest, the last accessory is the positive me, that seems so far away.

7.08.2003

watched finding nemo tonight. enjoyed it. the house is empty now. kevin is out with jason and seth is (you guessed it) in the room with the door closed. i know he needs the space. and i feel so unfullfilled. i mess with my own mind in these matters, and end up thinking i'm playing silly love games. i do want him to be with me when he wants to be with me... but i don't think he ever wants to be with me..... i'm sure he must, at times. like, when i'm being funny. happy. upbeat. playing the game. i'm not optimistic this evening, and i'm not feeling good. love bites.

7.07.2003

and i will write this down and then... i will not feel alone again. thats a dar williams quote from the song "are you out there." since i ripped off her song for the title of my blog... i thought i'd pay hommage. www.darwilliams.com she's my favorite. i think maybe i should introduce myself? i have not bonded with my blogger yet. i don't feel comfortable with it at all yet. so, hi blogger, and anyone else. i'm jamie. i'll talk with you later. (god i'm a geek.)
this my first post. trying to see if it works. if it is, HI!!!