11.16.2011

SAY IT OUT LOUD

"so i just say it out loud, and hope she hear's it." - random quote online.

i guess i find myself talking to mom a lot. instead of fading away and getting easier, it seems to be happening more often. is this a form of healing?

i feel confused and conflicted. i know i am strong enough to handle this and on some level i feel like i was even prepared for this loss. and then, on the other hand... it's so huge. it's so hurtful and unreal.

like, i just haven't called her, and i should.

it feels like i have to accept the truth of her passing over and over. obviously, i don't forget it, but i think some sort of survival instinct is playing make pretend like everything is fine and she's just out of contact but fine so that i can handle my daily activities... but then i remind myself... like, "don't be silly. she's gone."

does anyone understand that? anyone care?

i've noticed people have a hard time with my grief. like i had a few days or weeks and now i need to stop talking about it.

a fact of life. i'm mid-thirties. we lose our parents. deal.

yeah, well... lemme know how you do when it happens to you.

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