BOOK OF GOALS

it's time to focus on goals. to create them and achieve them. it is back to school for me today with the goal to accomplish and turn in one assignment. i will start there...

NEW WEEK

monday again. could this be the week? let's hope something good happens. i need a job. i'm staring a whole bunch of overdraft fees right in the face. this is not the way i wanted my new life to begin.

feels like i'll be starting over. digging my - no, clawing my way back to normalcy.

we drank last night and tried to have some relaxation over the weekend. a couple long talks and even some laughs.

we had to ban together because both of our vehicles lost their batteries. for a hot second there we were carless. there was a long while in my life where i didn't even have a vehicle and i survived.

california, how about a freakin break huh?

EXHAUSTED

so i took alijah to the doctor today and we dropped 180.00 that we don't have on allergy meds coz around his eyes are all red and spots on his skin. they did some tests and i have to go back on tuesday and maybe they'll have a better answer about what is going on...

we just moved in2 this place. is the cleaner they used on the carpets to blame? can i sue their asses. i kid.

feels like everything is just falling 2 pieces.

v is a hot mess of depression over his job and our move in general.

where exactly do i have the time to breath and come to terms with my mom's death?

i feel like there is NOBODY. i have GOT to pull my shit together. i have to get a job and i have to make sure i am protected.

i feel like i just can't count on him. does everyone feel this way after a loss? i don't want to hear about or even try to console him about his stupid everyday to day bullshit. shouldn't he be consoling me?

i've tried not to be upset. but he comes out mopes about depresses me and himself and then goes back in2 his room.

help!? distract me from the way i feel? nothing. just his pitty party.

life is fucked up ain't it. we don't want to admit our lives suck. but sometimes, they do. and it shines through, and no matter what the hell you're dealing with you gotta step up to the plate and battle it. we all deserve better.

SAY IT OUT LOUD

"so i just say it out loud, and hope she hear's it." - random quote online.

i guess i find myself talking to mom a lot. instead of fading away and getting easier, it seems to be happening more often. is this a form of healing?

i feel confused and conflicted. i know i am strong enough to handle this and on some level i feel like i was even prepared for this loss. and then, on the other hand... it's so huge. it's so hurtful and unreal.

like, i just haven't called her, and i should.

it feels like i have to accept the truth of her passing over and over. obviously, i don't forget it, but i think some sort of survival instinct is playing make pretend like everything is fine and she's just out of contact but fine so that i can handle my daily activities... but then i remind myself... like, "don't be silly. she's gone."

does anyone understand that? anyone care?

i've noticed people have a hard time with my grief. like i had a few days or weeks and now i need to stop talking about it.

a fact of life. i'm mid-thirties. we lose our parents. deal.

yeah, well... lemme know how you do when it happens to you.

WHO AM I NOW?

so they say today begins the rest of your life. all the experience and love from every day spent on earth before leads you up to today. so who am i? what does it make me with a certification as a CNA and a medical biller and coder (when i complete that).

what does it make me without my mom here? with my dog and my cat and my new city? who am i now... where do i go?

applying for jobs is stressful. you're putting yourself out there and regardless of everything you've ever done or accomplished, you're putting yourself at the mercy of just one person who says "yeah, we'll take you."

such a small and necessary moment. is it infact small then?

wish me luck on finding out who exactly i'm going to be now...

I LOVE YOU THIS MUCH!!!

overcast and about 50 degrees right now outside in sactown. uploaded pics of mom on2 her facebook last night and had a few drinks 2 go along with that. paying for it dearly this morning.

vince's truck is doing some weird stuff so we're gonna try to give it a boost with my car 2 see if hopefully it's just the battery. let's hope so...

we were gonna walk around old town 2day but not sure because of the weather. we'll see how that pans out...

i need to pull it 2gether enough 2 get some school done and get a little more proactive about job searching. i know these are hard times but life, for better or worse goes on and we have to keep up.

i think alijah is adjusting and so are jake and copy. anyhow... i'm off 2 finish my coffee and then to take alijah for a walk around the complex... he's for sure got a lot of energy to be burning off. i think i need a haircut? got a lot of goals to focus on this coming week so wish me luck - j.

ENDING OF DAYLIGHT SAVINGS

the first time i've partaken in daylight savings in like 7 years. it just happened. it was 1:59 and then it was 1am again. heavy. haha.

INTERVIEWS & DROPPING MERCURY...

2nd cup of coffee, alijah playing at my feet.

i set up a shelf for mom's ashes and other things of hers yesterday. i think it turned out pretty nice, i mean, i don't know... i'm focused on wanting to start making money so i can start making the plans for her burial back home this next summer.

the weather seems to be dropping this week... from the 70's down to the 50's by friday. snow in the sierra nevadas apparently affects the sacramento valley. we'll see if it picks back up at the beginning of the new week... i guess we'll see as we go.

to be honest i don't mind the cooler weather. just as long as we don't go too far down for too long. ha

we had lasagna and apple chips and potato skins last night... one last big carb blow out, but it's time to stop babying myself and get back on track with my life.

thats about it for now...

"where did you get that from? must've been your father, your dad... i got it from you, i got it from you..." - am

SACTO-BEE AND RAIN...

morning coffee and the sacramento bee. it looks like today it's gonna hit 70 and then tomorrow the rain kills till the end of the week.

it's going to be my first real taste of weather in years. arizona just basically got hot, super hot, way too hot, and then freezing freakin cold, but never much else.

got to admit, a little bit excited for the rain... we'll see how i feel by the end of the week about all that.

today going to go look at a few more jobs and then take my homework into a midtown cafe and get going on that.