MIDTOWN

v and i went out for drinks and food at chicago fire last night in midtown. it was good to get out on the town and check out why we moved here.

had a few moments of hearing a song or a random thought that made me think of mom but mostly it felt good and healing to be doing something... normal, i guess.

i don't know. guess i need to try and be positive. it WAS a cool night walking around and being part of our new city. lots of people dressed up for halloween.

little by little.

today i need to hand in some job apps and it's back to school tonight.

life for the living does go on. there's no stopping that. it's funny the guilt that is associated with it.

happy halloween. i gotta admit i'm not much in2 any celebrating this year but i am aware of the date.

FIRST CALIFORNIA SATURDAY MORNING COFFEE

i heard it snowed back home today... is it still back home if there's nobody there? it's amazing how easy it is to drown in those ideas. so i look up, and out the window onto a sacramento morning. crisp, yeah but we're supposed to get up into the high 70's, maybe even hit 80 today.

i can feel the rumblings of the city i live in now. and of san francisco only about 80 miles away. it's vibrant. it's challenging to rise above the loss and to see i am part of the living. i am still here.

i pour my boyfriend his morning coffee. i wake my dog. i text my brother. i do have a family. and i was taught by the best. my mother. damn it, i miss you.

California

we got our keys yesterday and i sorta drifted on the kitchen floor for a few hours with alijah last night be4 we had to return the budget truck at 730am, but tonight feels like the first night in our new apartment.

having drinks and sitting 2gether on the living room floor surrounded by towers of boxes... i try not to think about mom but the truth is always there lingering on everything like it's morning dew... dampening everything.

unpacked kitchen mostly. i'll start looking for a job on monday.

i want to sleep for forever.

the weather in sacramento is very nice during the day and then at night gets down to like 50. mild, i know... but after the 118 during the day and 95 at night of tempe... this feels freezing.

i will get used to all of these things.

for now... trying to relax. and then much required sleep...

i promise i will, mom

Mom (...and California)

my mom died on october 12. the family came together and we all flew back to my hometown for her services. there is no way in the world i don't think that you can prepare yourself for this. it's been a week and the feeling inside will NOT let up. she was an amazing woman and my very very very best friend.

i don't just say that, she really was my best friend. it's a shame at 56 that her time on this earth is over. people like her should honestly live forever. there is soo much i could say about her. i wont try to say it all now. i'm sure this isn't the last time i will write about her.

she left me with a wonderful family. cousins and an uncle. it's so important to reach out and BE AVAILABLE to the ones that we love.

v and i are moving to Sacramento, California. we leave tomorrow. we're going to stay in enterprise, utah for the night where his family is and then head into Sacramento on tuesday. it honestly feels like too much, but staying busy seems to be stopping me from going fully insane.

not sure what else to say right now... i know she is watching over me and i could not do this all without her.

i love you up to the sky mom!