"I CAN BE AN ASSHOLE OF THE GRANDEST KIND..."

sunday morning. backtracking to alanis morissette's last album as i'm having my morning coffee. wondering how she's doing now that the guy who inspired her to cut her hair and wear pink eye shadow has just gotten married to someone else.

as if to show that time does move on, with or without you. that our selves have nothing to do with the passing of time or the intentions or choices of those around us which are tied to us.

it seems as though we've no other option but to try to make rent, and to find acceptable and working outlets for our expressions of all sides of the spectrum of emotions we are feeling and for the things we are going through.

in celebration of this, here is me emoting:

"ACT OF GOD"
(written by myself)

Sitting alone

Imagining pictures on the wall

like an addict

But I am not an addict at all

Acceptance

That nobody will understand

Like I am old

But I am not yet an old man…

Little by little

I watch as you fade

Little by little

It feels more like it’s me who goes away….

It’s going to be a long time

It’s going to be a long way

And I’ll have to be strong

I will have to have faith…

It’s going to take an act of god

To bring me back to me

for it to be what It needs to be

first up…

I am going to have to believe…

Gonna have to believe…

Blinds down

No light gets inside

Like I am blind

But there is nothing wrong with my eyes…

And inch by inch

I back up to the door

Inch by inch

i know this place and I don’t want to know it anymore…

(chorus)

Like I’ve lost my freedom

I throw myself around

Tears wont come, resolutions don’t

Peace is only a distant sound…

Echoing from everyone else

As I fight to get out of my own hell

And you who I thought could help and understand…

Has made me learn to never ask for help again…

And it’s going to be a long time

It’s going to be a long way…

It’s going to be a long time

Why won’t it go away

And I’ll have to be strong

I will have to have faith…

It’s going to take an act of god

To bring me back to me

for it to be what It needs to be

first up…

I am going to have to believe…

How do you believe you can believe

How do you believe?

END © ARRFBC September 20, 2008

MAINE HAS A HURRICANE??

happy saturday! i woke up with not even enough energy to brew coffee. how sad - i got over it =) jakob is being ridiculously loving and has decided i need a bath. he keeps trying to clean me every chance he gets.

lucy has been staying over for a couple of days. she's such a good puppy. i did not use her crate for the last 2 days at work and she was fine, but if you think i have no energy... she's still in bed!

so then, i look online for anything interesting in the world... the debates? not really... the fall of wamu... tragic, but no. madonna's tour... nice, but nope, not what i'm looking for... hurricane in maine? OH HELL YEAH!! that's the stuff baby, right there!

ok... when i think of hurricane kyle nearing in on eastport and a hurricane warning extended all the way from canada to portland, the first thing i think is.... SERIOUSLY, W...T...F!!!!!!!!!

guess i need to call mom and make sure the house is still standing =)

ha.

DAR WILLIAMS - IT'S ALRIGHT VIDEO

JUST ANOTHER TUESDAY... AGAIN.

gosh... i dunno what to write about today. having my morning coffee while jakob lies all over me. i'm really interested in moving out of my apartment, but i think we've been through all this before. since i am wanting to move, it's helped with my enjoyment of where i am now. not taking corners and floors and skylights for granted, i guess. odd how that is.

still looking for an acceptable home for apple. however, it seems i love her too much to find any other home acceptable - that poses a problem.

let's see... i have far too many bills. the diner is not in season and the people need to get hungry - really quick. in fact, i'm considering - CONSIDERING - a job closer to home. if i do NOT move to maine in january, then i will for sure get the job in the city i am living in - makes sense, no?

tomorrow is emissions/registration day for my car.

i've decided to come up with a plan to make positive change on my life. this comes after nights of waking up in a panic almost every night for the last 3 months. so many things need to change. smoking. for one. god, it's really really time to stop. i don't know that i can do it, but i think i owe myself at least a really damn good effort. (ha... i think i wake up in panic's now!)

i've concluded that i'm going to have to seek help. i don't think i can quit cold turkey. drugs welcome.

i think one of my next blogs will be about me searching for and finding information and help for quitting.

no promises.

it seems as though the coffee is almost gone and it's time to hit the highway once again.

may we all be safe throughout our day!

STEP ONE, STEP ONE: I'M BARELY MAKING SENSE.

as i begin to dig myself out of all of these holes that have been formed in my life in all areas just when i thought i was fully aware of them and would avoid them, i face forward with realistic optimisim. i am who i am, and will change as necessary. never at one time. but always and forever: evolve.

DAR WILLIAMS - PROMISED LAND (I PRESSED THE BUZZER)

Picked up a hard copy of Dar's new cd today. "Promised Land." I was a bit floored at my local Borders when the sales associate told me that i was dropping near $17.00 on the cd. It was even price dropped down to 14.97 or whatever (Cigarettes and music! What's next coffee??? bitches...). No wonder the record industry is having issue...

Anyway - I do believe in dropping my money on an artist i honestly DO support. Money well spent as Dar's new album kicks continuously on my ipod today ever since i uploaded the CD the second i got home.

It starts with "it's alright" which is pretty much my favorite song EVER right now. Other noteworthy tracks to me after a few hours of straight listening are "The Easy Way," "Go To The Woods," (she does this one with Suzanne Vega and it is one of the best things i've heard in a while! Lyrics to note are: "is there a windy path, angry ass woman who will eat you" (ahh vah, Dar!)).

Let's see... Fountains of Wayne cover "Troubled Times" is pretty great. A bit weird until you get the ties is her cover of "Midnight Radio" from Hedwig. I dig Dar a lot so the reality that she was doing a Hedwig song to me was just cool. Apparently one of her professors in college wrote the actual song, so what we're hearing here is her paying homage to him. Makes sense... great cover!

How about "Buzzer." A pretty rockin song about the Stanley Milgram experiments that were done at Yale back in the day. PUR-TEE creepy but makes for an awesome song!

Um.. so ok, don't get me wrong. It's her best since "The Beauty of the Rain" in my opinion but not better than "The Green World." The rest of the songs are good... but those were the most notable ones for me right now.

Also helps that the cd booklet is full of local artists from the area of New York she lives in. A terrific concept from a cool chick. Plus, she looks super cute on the back cover of the album =)

Go Dar!

I KNOW THIS BAR.

ok... so sometimes you have to go to dive bars and drink really cheap beer and have the best most craziest night ever!

you have to. when everything sucks. you really do sometimes have to fight back by being a bit happy!

tonight was awesome!

DARREN HAYES - DRESS YOU UP!

ok... just when i'm feeling way down. my favorite artist. coolest guy in the world does a HOT ASS madonna cover of dress you up! YAY! ---- listen to it below!


http://www.zshare.net/download/18478699bcb8faa8/

SHE LIKES HER COFFEE LATE AT NIGHT...

morning coffee is the best thing in the world sometimes. when all else has fallen to the dogcatcher, somehow just for a minute... morning coffee makes it all better.

yay!

i could be homeless and morning coffee would still do it. infact, i remember once in new york... astoria, that i was homeless. and in my homelessness i remember scouting out a dunkin donuts before going to bed, and arriving back there in the morning.

and everything was fine (for a few minutes anyway).

well.... it seems that brittany's back and i have to go to work. all is well in the world this am.

NEW DAR: IT'S ALRIGHT!

I know change is a bad thing,
it breaks me down into a sorry sad thing,
not some iridescent grateful butterfly.

I resist with defiance,
not the power of a mystic silence.
I will fight the dizzy spiral of goodbye.

And it's alright, it's alright, it's alright.
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright.

Please don't say you don't love me,
never dangle any sword above me
with the kind of change that severs me in two.

Give me amberizing glasses.
Could you slow it down like molasses,
as I salvage my old self away from you.

Oh it's alright, it's alright, it's alright.
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright.
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright.

Because I have have seen insane things -
all those grand historic paintings,
morning light on polished swords and burnished pride.

Anxious smiles encased in whalebone,
spines of steel from head to tailbone,
cannons poised to blast the turning of the tide.

It's a sad and a strange thing, but it's time and I am changing
into something good or bad, well that's your guess.
I'm my own sovereign nation, dedicated to a transformation,
marching on with this target on my chest.

Oh yes.
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright.
Oh, It's alright, it's alright, it's alright.

It's alright, it's all right, it's alright.
Oh, It's alright, it's alright, it's alright.
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright.
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright.

LABORING.

worked through the holiday weekend. watched 'disturbia' and 'mr brooks.' had a couple drinks with an old co-worker of mine out at the pub. holiday weekend? indeed.

back to the diet and gym shopping.

school is in.

i didn't quit smoking.