KILLER HAIL FROM JESUS.

188/210/165 - okay, my little journey to the dark side only cost me 2 pounds. considering that i don't feel like eating for the rest of my life, i think i should be fine.

anyway, we're back on track after a little bit of a bumpy re-start. i broke down and got a teryaki burger at carl's jr. the other night to watch that disaster flick, "2012" which was a bit too, "god will punish us all, bitches!" for me...

not that i was scared. all he did was have the world stop for a second while this chick had a baby out of wedlock.

the god for the new millenium. a bit less strict about it. don't mind that part much but, if however, you fail to realise his greatness you will be struck down while driving by a bit of hail.

ok, got it.

REACHING

i talked to a friend of mine having such a hard time right now. he wanted someone to hold. just hold him. i wanted to teach this boy how to hold himself. ...and that it can be done. ...and that it's good!

but then i thought about how good it can feel to need that human interaction. that reaching out can feel so much better than being self reliant.

so i told him he was beautiful, and that everything would be okay.

coz it will be.

WORK LOAD

school is brutal. let's take my writing class for instance. i have been working so hard on a paper. you hand it in, and instead of balloons and fireworks... what do you get? you get another damn assignment. about 900 pages of reading homework, and another assignment due.

that's how it goes, yeah, i know.

next time i get a break, i'm going to respect and love it. i'm not going to let spring break fly by ever again without rewarding myself at least, somehow. or a little bit.

went off of my diet for the holiday weekend. i started back on it today. afraid to weigh myself, so i'll do it tomorrow. ugh.

"i'm outta time and i only got 4 minutes... 4 minutes... hey..." - "4 minutes" - madonna (how i feel all the time).

SOME GRACE

monday morning coffee mixed with antje duvekot is absolutely the best way to begin a new week. easter turned out to be ok. there was drinking vodka out of a bag sitting on a curb off of 4th (i thought those days were over, what did i know!) and fun with hair cuts and make up at seths.... then onto a night of drinking out at the bar and munching on pad thai in my car afterwards. finally, falling asleep on the phone with my mom out on the couch with jakob.

not for everybody, but it's close to my version of perfection. =)

"with all the sand that gets inside this world, we should all be mother fucking pearls." - a. duvekot

QUIET TIME

186/210/165 - spring break came at a pretty bad time this year and i haven't gotten to enjoy any of it. i don't think i've had a drink since last saturday actually. it's all good coz i need to make money and whatever. um, i don't really have much to say but i wanted to keep my blog updated.

COFFEE CIGARETTES AND RED MEAT

188/210/165 - i think that last number keeps changing (the goal weight).

alright, so i posted my misery. now let's focus on better things. sounds like a good idea to me, right?

okay... SPRING BREAK!!! yay. i've got a lot of work to catch up on in school so a week off is a good thing. i've got until the 23rd to do something amazing.

like, what?

(oh yeah, already posted my misery.. ha)

so sunday... i had to go to traffic school. arizona is kinda cool for a few different reasons but here's a big one.

sometimes you're dumb enough to miss the "no turn on red" sign.

and a very nice police officer pulls you over, and tickets you and there you are...

crap.

but wait!

arizona takes this as an opportunity to eliminate one minor traffic violation per 24 months.

you can elect to go to driving school for (i was told it was like 8 hours of hell...) about 4.5 hours and listen to traffic stories and watch old disney cartoons ("mr walker becomes mr. wheeler") and discuss potholes (a serious issue in tucson, trust me), non-blinker users, and other little known facts about arizona, and it's annoyances.

for instance...

for all of us who get so pissed off.

did you know out on the highway... it's considered just a 2 lane highway... not a slow lane and a fast lane.

there is no pressure to drive slower in the right lane. passers on the right of you are totally well within legal.

didn't know that.

i also don't think that they know they're legal... and are just in a hurry. but whatever.

so, my new driving record for the state of arizona remains clean... so go me and my lucky break

FEW DAYS DOWN.

so, i went to school on monday - just to prove how out-of-it i've been, only to find out that i'm in spring break??? uh, ok... a week off from school. neat.

shouldn't i be at a beach soakin up the sun?

in mexico... or some foreign nation where nothing at all looks familiar?

yes, well... real life shines it's spotlight down onto what's really happening.

tough times and staying home watching project runway finales (repeats, no less) on the couch for st patricks day.

"and all that we need is a few days down."

IT JUST WOULDN'T BE THE SAME...

i think as long as there is madonna that i will always feel like i'm forever 14 years old in the months before a new album release from her.

here is the cover of her 11th studio album. wait! only 11? dude, she's been around my WHOLE life... wssup with this just being her 11th album? well, let's see ... the first album, 'madonna' (1), 'like a virgin' (2), 'true blue' (3), apparently 'who's that girl' and 'you can dance' don't count so moving on... 'like a prayer (4), i don't think 'i'm breathless' or 'the immaculate collection' count either so... erotica (5), 'bedtime stories'(6), 'something to remember' though incredible, doesn't count and the 'evita' soundtrack is not in the count so.. 'ray of light' (7) 'the next best thing' soundtrack doesn't count here so.. 'music' (8) and 'ghv2' doesn't count if 'immaculate' doesn't so.. 'american life' (9) 'remixed and revisted' 'i'm going to tell you a secret' do not count so 'confessions on a dance floor' (10) and 'the confessions tour' cd/dvd doesn't count, it's just live so... 'hard candy' is INFACT #11. all this plus all the pre-record contract stuff that leaked (which if you haven't heard is VERY VERY punk and cool) and all the b-sides and contributions to film other than i listed above, plus leaked demos... there's a lot of shit out there from madonna. so... basically, i feel 14 all of the time.

this is the coolest album cover of her career i think, though 'true blue' 'like a prayer' and 'confessions' sure do have their place in my heart, because if you look at her belt, it has "give it to me" embedded on it. what's great about this, if you're kinda psycho like me is that you know that the m-dolla wanted to name her album 'give it to me.' i frowned on her idea since there's yet ANOTHER album that was released before her record deal with sire with the same name. a bunch of really forgettable dance tracks with some dude named otto-van something-or-other. it's loops of her singing or saying maybe 5 or 6 lines over and over and over again with a bunch of shitty dance music that is enough to fill a whole cd. So anyway, aside from the fact that the facial part of the pose resembles her very first album incredibly... it seems like the shoot was done when she was still going to call it 'give it to me.' and then, like willy wonka came around and was like "oh no you don't, girl!" and slapped the big ole' 'hard candy' font across the picture like a stamp. makes a boy giggle.

so, instead, in just a bit over a month we all get... "hard candy." how fun =)

everyone's freaking out about how it's going to have a hip hop dance vibe to it. like she's never done this. well, firstly... 'erotica' was pretty damn hip hop (wasn't 'did you do it' a full rap song?), and 'bedtime stories' was full of different producers, including babyface who was all over her biggest hit ever, 'take a bow.' how does babyface differ from timberland? ...people, you can relax, madonna will be madonna whoever is singing with her, and we'll love it (we loved 'take a bow' for 7 weeks in the states as a #1 single).

"4 minutes" the first single, hits radio on monday! hoot!

ROAD TRIP!!!!!!!! ....MAYBE?

got my new license plates today. that's kinda cool. my name is on the title and everything. hooot. am i driving up home for my month vacation this summer? which i've almost but all commited to?

it'd make things a bit easier once i got there. yeah, but... i haven't been on a plane in soooo long!

we shall see.

off to work

MIMI'S KITCHEN

tiffany's new limited edition cd "mimi's kitchen" arrived today! it's a collection of demo's.

it's starts out with a 3 year old tiffany singing aerosmith's "devil woman" into a tape recorder for about 3 minutes before demanding the person recording "NOW PLAY IT BACK!"

it goes through some early county demos that honestly i could do without. it's cool to have them but whatever.

she then does an acapella version of "how great thou art" that knocks my socks off. but that's why i love her, coz i can never where socks when she's around, and it's a little known fact that I HATE THEM!

the last 6 demos are more recent ones. my favorite being "step into the sky." it's just begging for a william orbit style remix. "frozen skies" and "for you to say" are probably the better of the songs on the cd. "frozen skies" infact is probably the best on the whole cd.

it ends with a live track "love alive" where she knocks it out of the park again.

god, i dig this woman!

HOMEWORK/SELFWORK

192/210/165 ...okay, first things first. 192 pounds. wow. um, when i started this diet i knew i was going to go into it pretty seriously but, i mean, i didn't really think anything great would happen. 192 is bordering on great in my book. i haven't caved ONCE on the diet, and the rewards are awesome! i really don't know if 165 is my true goal. somewhere in the 170's would be great with me, but hell... let's go for the goal. i'm not changing it for now.

been doing homework all day. it's 1:44 in the morning and i'm really not done, but it's time to take a bit of a break. been thinking about karma and rewards for hard work.

making your life work takes a lot of time patience and... well, money, but i mean honestly i had nothing else really to do and things were NOT working.

i think about "friends" diving into my checking account. i think about nights spent. no not even spent. just wasted.

i remember being called boring when i decided enough was enough.

i remember less and less people being around when i decided enough was enough.

i'm well aware that the people who will be around are STILL around, and i don't really think any of them think i'm boring at all. infact i'm pretty sure they know i'm working my ass off.

i'm tired bitches. but i wont stop.

ALL GOOD THINGS

194/210/165 - hey - a couple more pounds since the last report, that's a good thing. slowly but surely now. guess the big weight drop was in that first week. dang, i'd like it to be that quick the whole way. that would be awesome... but then again i could really be exersizing more, etc. there are ways i'm sure i could speed this whole process up.

let's see... school is fine - if not overwhelming. work, is. well, i'm employed. that's the point right? it's certaintly not horrible.

um, madonna's record is set up to be super hot. mandy moore's "wild hope" album is def. my top played latley. it's beautiful out, and i cannot stand to be inside today so that's about all i've got.

all good things, i wish you.

6 MONTHS

The patrick Swayze news is sad. Pancreatic cancer - 3 to 6 months to live.

god, we count so much on time. racing it to become something - somewhere better. things take time. most paperwork takes at least 2 to 3 months to even clear well enough to give anyone a go ahead on something they want to do.

what in the hell do you do with 6 months? give up. call where you are in life your finish line and then dope up on pain killers and kiss everyone you love a lot?

what do you do with 6 months?

6 months is september. that's only my start date for my degree. yes, i know i'm in school now. but the credits i'm earning now verses what all i will be doing and how different i'm suspecting everything will be when i'm schooling full time feels like a beginning.

what about not school. what about working out on my body. could i just look at myself now, and be like - well, this is what i look like in my prime. so be it. nothing to do now...

my cats? apple, sirius, and jakob. what would happen to them in 6 months.

my family. all the babies that have come into life on the east coast that i haven't even gotten to meet yet.

bills that i'm working off. 6 months would that be enough time to clear my name?

my current savings plan of 5 dollars per work day would only give me 600 dollars in 6 months.
increasing to 10 a day would only allow me 1200. that's nothing, that would do nothing.

perhaps to be greatful for my health right now, is my most important tool for survival.

things change always because they HAVE to change. and that's when they will. that's when it's easy to change. when you have to.

i guess i don't know. good luck to everyone in all that you're trying to do. we're all out here pushing for something. usually we don't even know what, just something.

well, good luck to all of us. hope we're safe.

ACHIEVE.

so, okay. i just got 100 points out of 100 points total on 2 different math tests today!!! OH YEAH!!!

working your ass off is totally the cure for any self esteem issues you may have. you can read a book, and you can love yourself all you want, but if you don't ALSO work your ass off to achieve something - anything... the formula is NOT complete.

i used to be really into this chick named sarks. she wrote books. self esteem books. one of her suggestions is to write a love poem to yourself on a sheet and sleep under it.

thank god i enrolled in college. i was almost at the point of messing up a perfectly good sheet.

ORDER OF OPERATIONS

3 + (4) to the 2nd power / (5-3) x 2 = 19.


bitches... i'm learning something. i promise. i couldn't do this a little over an hour ago. now that i get it... it's kinda fun LOL now to find out how to write an exponent on a keyboard.

(i'm a geek).

YELLOW???

i have so many clothes. it's crazy. i used to be a thrift store junkie. i think i probably still am, but i can control myself a little better now. i used to buy clothes that were sorta what i wanted but not really, or something i'd wear to a theme party, like one time.

i own a pair of yellow jeans.

that pretty much sums it up right? i've never worn them once. ever. zilch times.

spring cleaning. as if i've nothing else to do. i've vowed that by the end of march i will have thrown at least one thing away. i swear it.

it seems as though i've little to nothing to say today haha, so i'm off to finish my coffee and put my essay's into MLA formatting.

madonna and justin's "4 minutes" is hot.

BRUISED APPLES

my all time favorite thing about the low-carb diet - chicken salad. i love chicken salad. infact, if i could eat only one thing for the rest of my life, it would be... chicken salad.

and i can eat as MUCH as i want (well..) on this diet. HELL YEAH!

okay.. so apparently i'm currently eating chicken salad. late saturday night. trying to catch myself up on homework. i'm almost there. go me.

all work and no play... am i a dull dull boy? no... i don't think i'd call me dull.

jakey and apple are recovering quite nice from their EXPENSIVE doctors appointment today. apple in the closet (which is cool, they said if she wants to be alone, let her alone) i've given her some food, and she seems fine. just a bit quite and to herself.

jakob is having a bit of a time jumping up on the bed, and so is taking naps inside the bottom rings of the curtain. man if i were little enough, i'd cuddle in there too!

so i stepped on my glasses the other day (some things will NEVER change...). eh, what are ya gonna do... so i'm blind. i'm kinda lazy when it comes to my contacts and so i try to drive without my glasses on. like on a convient store run.. yeah, not good.

i mean, i survived and so did everyone else. but yikers!


should i move to saurarita and get a roommate? no. okay... next....