i feel i'm settling for less than i deserve. i'm exhausted with trying to desipher the things that are said to me by people. maybe they are saying the things i want to hear but they're saying them in such a selfprotective unloving - untrusting - revolting - disgusting way, that i don't even have any idea what the hell they're saying, and all it sounds like is dry mathmatical robotic squeels. it pisses me off.

hasn't he had sex with ENOUGH people, god damnit. what the hell would it take? not me, i can say that. i believe that.

being gay was just boys not girls. one was lifted out, and another one was put in. a simple go lucky existance of a life thus far - where i have to tell you i laughed greatly and dreamed wildly... i never got the goddamned slogan on a stick to picket around with, or the crate full of condoms and lube. i didn't even want it. i didn't want to hate america and family, or women, or men....

then a road block. a road block from someone who had the whole world put upon them when they were fucking 5 years old. i don't want to save people, who think i'm the one in need of saving.

sometimes it just doesn't work. what's so bad in admitting that? i don't want to ruin anybody's day. i don't want to say mean things, and i don't want to hurt anyone, or myself anymore.

i want it all. and i mean it all, or nothing.

there's a communication barrier. it's the frustation of trying to talk about something emergency with someone of foreign tounge.

i cannot blame my choices on another person. i mean, in the end they're mine. and if love is just a big fucking rip off, then jesus... color me gay, and give me the goddamned world. if i just have found out it was a big fucking lie. then what's to desire here? what's to fight for?

all that is left... is conqoring the world. i'm a gay man, it turns out, who's got all the time in the world... just like the rest of them. nothing and nonone to spend his money on... shit, i'm gay. i should be rich. fuck everyone.