watching someone die is painful. cancer. uh, disfiguration. disorientation. random anger strikes, almost dead and then not, all of a sudden. it's confusing and it's hardening.

but then what should one do? we all die. should the dying, the sick be made to live in some sort of isolated area with bars so as not to get out, so that we wouldn't have to watch them die? so that we wouldn't become hardened? for christs sake, they're dying, we're just getting a bit hard around the edges.

no it's duty to be with them. to care for them. to try and give them what they need. not what we need. what they do.

thank god for my friends. i'm exausted today. i'm tired of thinking.

i missed seth last night so i typed his name into a search. why why why... so, i came up with this post from like 1987. his call for people to contact him for erotic photos.

this is the man i will spend my life with???!!! my whole alive life with???

doesn't that sound odd? i mean it's sorta not a big deal. it isn't. it isn't a big deal. and it was a longggg time ago. but it just hits me as odd.... like, "i'd laugh loudly at the person who said that's who it'd be."

those people are the lurkers. it's shitty of me to do this, to myself, and to him, and them, and us... but i feel the way i feel.

i don't want to live in the shadows. i want to walk quickly by them. like white walks past black.

nobody says it's right. but mostly we don't say it's wrong either. we know the feeling.

being so close to this person has made me feel as tho i've missed out on something. that there was this whole world of man, to eat, and dispose of. to wipe hands clean after taking what i wanted.

and i for a while have been envying it. maybe even still. but i see it now. you cant blame my lack of doing it on morals. or bibles.

or parents.

i did what i wanted. i didn't think twice about gambling, being gay, sex, really at all.

but not the lurkers.

they're not brave... it's an underground. it's another world. and it ends poorly.

and will always.

i wont be a lurker.

i have watched as my love - sold porn books on ebay. wanted me to meet one of the purchasers. spun me around in the middle of clubs to stare at the most beautiful boy...

i have the underlying sense that i'm flirting with disaster. and i cannot shake it.

one of us is going to go too far.

but then i climb into bed, and he pulls me near and --- everything bows to beauty.

i pray for peace.