i feel i'm settling for less than i deserve. i'm exhausted with trying to desipher the things that are said to me by people. maybe they are saying the things i want to hear but they're saying them in such a selfprotective unloving - untrusting - revolting - disgusting way, that i don't even have any idea what the hell they're saying, and all it sounds like is dry mathmatical robotic squeels. it pisses me off.

hasn't he had sex with ENOUGH people, god damnit. what the hell would it take? not me, i can say that. i believe that.

being gay was just boys not girls. one was lifted out, and another one was put in. a simple go lucky existance of a life thus far - where i have to tell you i laughed greatly and dreamed wildly... i never got the goddamned slogan on a stick to picket around with, or the crate full of condoms and lube. i didn't even want it. i didn't want to hate america and family, or women, or men....

then a road block. a road block from someone who had the whole world put upon them when they were fucking 5 years old. i don't want to save people, who think i'm the one in need of saving.

sometimes it just doesn't work. what's so bad in admitting that? i don't want to ruin anybody's day. i don't want to say mean things, and i don't want to hurt anyone, or myself anymore.

i want it all. and i mean it all, or nothing.

there's a communication barrier. it's the frustation of trying to talk about something emergency with someone of foreign tounge.

i cannot blame my choices on another person. i mean, in the end they're mine. and if love is just a big fucking rip off, then jesus... color me gay, and give me the goddamned world. if i just have found out it was a big fucking lie. then what's to desire here? what's to fight for?

all that is left... is conqoring the world. i'm a gay man, it turns out, who's got all the time in the world... just like the rest of them. nothing and nonone to spend his money on... shit, i'm gay. i should be rich. fuck everyone.

watching someone die is painful. cancer. uh, disfiguration. disorientation. random anger strikes, almost dead and then not, all of a sudden. it's confusing and it's hardening.

but then what should one do? we all die. should the dying, the sick be made to live in some sort of isolated area with bars so as not to get out, so that we wouldn't have to watch them die? so that we wouldn't become hardened? for christs sake, they're dying, we're just getting a bit hard around the edges.

no it's duty to be with them. to care for them. to try and give them what they need. not what we need. what they do.

thank god for my friends. i'm exausted today. i'm tired of thinking.

i missed seth last night so i typed his name into a search. why why why... so, i came up with this post from like 1987. his call for people to contact him for erotic photos.

this is the man i will spend my life with???!!! my whole alive life with???

doesn't that sound odd? i mean it's sorta not a big deal. it isn't. it isn't a big deal. and it was a longggg time ago. but it just hits me as odd.... like, "i'd laugh loudly at the person who said that's who it'd be."

those people are the lurkers. it's shitty of me to do this, to myself, and to him, and them, and us... but i feel the way i feel.

i don't want to live in the shadows. i want to walk quickly by them. like white walks past black.

nobody says it's right. but mostly we don't say it's wrong either. we know the feeling.

being so close to this person has made me feel as tho i've missed out on something. that there was this whole world of man, to eat, and dispose of. to wipe hands clean after taking what i wanted.

and i for a while have been envying it. maybe even still. but i see it now. you cant blame my lack of doing it on morals. or bibles.

or parents.

i did what i wanted. i didn't think twice about gambling, being gay, sex, really at all.

but not the lurkers.

they're not brave... it's an underground. it's another world. and it ends poorly.

and will always.

i wont be a lurker.

i have watched as my love - sold porn books on ebay. wanted me to meet one of the purchasers. spun me around in the middle of clubs to stare at the most beautiful boy...

i have the underlying sense that i'm flirting with disaster. and i cannot shake it.

one of us is going to go too far.

but then i climb into bed, and he pulls me near and --- everything bows to beauty.

i pray for peace.

"never mind the forcast, because the sky has lost control... because the fury and the broken thunder has come to match my raging soul... "

back in portland. flew in redeye on friday night/saturday morning from san diego to manhattan. the flight was late, and late to land... about an hour. jetblue is quite cool about these delays.. meaning they kiss your ass a lot if they think you're mad at them... bottled water up the yin... all you can eat snacks... the flight was fine.

kevin and bobby met me at jfk in bobby's car - wonderful! and we drove 95 coastal all the way up to portland.

the day was hot, as was the whole country. tucson reached 100 first time all year yesterday... then around 8pm while i was alone in the house it began to rain and lightening and thunder. throwing caution to the wind, because the wind can deal much better with that... i sat by an open window and let the wind blow and the lightning crash and the rain fall all around me.

the weather made the world seem alive. all the greens and blues of this land, comparative to the browns and pinks of arizona... i am blessed to be able to travel as much as i do.

i made my way to the bay last night. wrapping up lovely a desire of mine to go from the pacific south west coast in san diego, to the northeast coast of portland in a 24 hour time period.

that is very much something that i can do.

i wonder if i've become a loner.

the questions come from all sides in this silence. with only nature speaking. i like to hear what earth has to say, more so then any other person mostly.

vibrant friends like kevin keep me grounded i must say... i may float off into the oblivion of my own life being handed over to nature were it not for the excitement he creates in the daily grind of life... as if he really has a daily grind.

today is much cooler than yesterday was. 54 degrees right now. anyway.. all is very much well.

anyhoo - i guess it's time for a shower. get myself a little bit alive.

i'll write more, think less - later