..from the sidewalk.

yikes! i just heard kelly clarkson's "because of you." yeah.. okay. wow. exactly. i haven't cried since i left for new york. i just bawled my eyes out! --- felt kinda good.

am i a weak boy because i just told the world i cried? i doubt it.

"Look what i can do!" - stuart.

note to self:

YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIVE LIKE A REFUGEE!!!!!!!


god damn it! =)

The search is on. I've applied to about a billion jobs online that have nothing to do with restuarant. Please cross your fingers for me.

Rothko & Zen Dancing...

now that i've decided i have some long over-due things i need to take care of in my life, i have been looking for a better reason than simply survival to make the changes i need to make.

of course, i am one of those people who make things just a bit harder on themselves by reading more into everything in life, than need be, for fear of missing something - anything...

so when i started looking for reasons, it was through music (not necessarilly lyrics, but emotions, and sounds, and mental pictures a melody can make... trying to visualise it.) which led to paintings, and colors...

and i met mark rothko. i went through his collection from begining to end; his suicide. i watched the faces on his paintings dissapear, and then finally... anything he would see turned into simply textures and contrasting colors. there were no longer people or houses or flowers, or subways in his paintings... just moods that would grow darker and darker as his life progressed (?). all the while, this obvious rejection of the world, and inward digression... desperation without symbolisim (which turns out to be very symbolic...) was quick to be called brilliant art, and ended his life.

should we work to conquer our artistic selves? to control it, and not let it flow wildly? should we learn to contain our artistic selves into a jar we can open, and then close at any moment?

art through solitude is becoming increasingly dangerous to me. i look to other things now... other expressions... collaborations and sharing of art. honest and open sharing.

i find a concept called "zen dancing." ever heard of it? basically - it's a bunch of people in a room who figurativly hold the stick... and release for a moment whatever it is that comes into their minds... a sound... a blurb... anything. which is added to everything else that is going on in the room... this is all documented and then studied.

unscripted art.

so, i was about 17. and one of my closet studio recordings i did... infact the 3rd one i ever did was called "bright as the sun." i wrote 2 songs prior to recording the work. the other 8 songs on the album were recorded as is. walking into the studio and just hitting record without knowing what i was going to do. sounds, and words... all without script. i admittingly went back through the recordings before finalizing the work and deleted some of what i did... added a loop here and there, and some backing vocals...

i remember it as not being so much, good... as rewarding, and an incredible release of emotion. i was just a kid, and had a lot of shit i was working through. ultimately, i wonder if these recordings weren't key to escapisim in my younger life. they have stuck with me, as a place that was good. though i can't remember very much else of what was going on in my life at the time.

so... art. it is not my reason to get up. it is not my survival. it is something i do now, secondary. rather than wanting to ever be called brilliant (any longer...)... some sort of acceptance that i strive for constantly... latley, i just sorta want some peace. a life i wake up to, smiling. rather than not.

"i wanna be ok, too." - jewel. but, then... do we not seal our fates by telling ourselves we are not ok, or that we are not peacefull? by telling ourselves, we deserve this? or telling ourselves we need this?

another song i know says... "all i need is the air that i breathe." but if you listen a second longer you'll hear the singer digress into "and to love you."

it must be intriguing, to say the least to read my blog (apparently, quite a few of you do). to watch myself become just another boy who knows all the answers to his own survival (yes it is a perfect reason to get up...) but pretends as if he doesn't.

for......art? but, then... we arrive where we began... what the hell does "art" mean? and i don't think that one has ever been fully answered. and to be honest, i don't think it ever will.

that in mind, maybe it's seriously time to just get up. i visualise my own life for the past few years as being asleep. prince charming can't do shit for me; mostly because i don't want him too... i layed myself down. i can get myself up.

and that is where my answer is. tick tock...

"...and time can do so much." that's one i can agree with.

music makes the people come together

i thought i should post this information as a continuation or, second part of an earlier blog entry. i had asked where was the gulf coasts "tsunami" bennifit concerts? where was our country helping out it's own people? well, the music industry thus far, alone, according to my calculations of reports through billboard.com has raised about $8.3 million dollars. way to go! it's clearly not enough, but along with other funds being raised... it's an impressive start.

one can not only report on how our country may be faultering, but you have to point out the examples, and proof of our country working, also.

we seem to have a strange reaction as americans. first, we sit stunned... or unmoved... and then after a second or two... we start acting. possibly because we don't like bad things said about us? i don't know... but we started moving, and i guess in the end, that's what matters.

new orleans will be rebulit. as, we now turn to face other things that are going on in the world, and in our own back yard.

we must not lose faith in ourselves. what if it was all we had?

--- in other news, my search for a new job goes on. the reworking of the den also goes on... britney spears is now somebody's mom, and george bush is STILL president... it all goes on.

Dig deeper, deeper, this time.

i'm red-doing my house. i think everyone knows that. had stopped operation for a while when i took off for New York, but... i'm back at it. Well... i ripped up the old carpet that was in the den - which is now my bedroom since the "Great Divide." under the carpet was the rough looking linolium (yikes, what a word!) that you see in the picture to your left. today, i was sweeping up some of the chips of paint from the wall to kinda get the dust down a bit in there and saw that there was a little hole in the linolium, which i had originally mistaken for the bottom - original floor... well, i peeled it back a bit - and, as you can see BEAUTIFUL DARK HARDWOOD FLOOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! keep on looking for what you want. if you go deep enough and far enough - you'll find it! and don't let anybody tell you to stop. follow your gut. be who you are. ---that's what i've learned today. this ugliness is the facade. what really is (when i tell the story) is just a whole lot of beautiful stuff, just waiting to be found. don't give up.

i already love this floor =) can you tell!!

if the world is so green....

today i recieved my picture phone in the mail. how cool. this is my first picture. me, out in the back yard planting things in the desert soil. i guess there is definetly a part of me that believes maybe we could heal ourselves through bringing new life to the planet. to nurture it. and to be doing it currently, in this high desert environment seems to only add to the wonder of what one life can do for another... it is a philosophy i share, i know, with a lot of other people around the world. it's an intense personal joy that i've only discovered in the last few years where i actually had some sort of space in which to grow things. i know now when i get back to the city, or whever i may end up in life, i'll have things growing all around my house. we can not exist on this planet alone. and who - honestly - would really want to? many dreams to you all.

Revisiting Road House

labor day weekend. all too appropriate a name for a holiday for those of us in the hospitality business... granted the money is great and apparently it's what we're all here for... but it's not much of a holiday...

i finally got to go out last night and celebrate the holiday. it was carrie's return from new orleans kareoke party.

the rivers edge. ya ever seen road house with patrick swazie (<--whatever)? well, there i was. the token gay boy of our group of 8. all the girls wanted me to sing with them. and it was my job to say all the "no baby, it was FABULOUS! girl you should be in hollywood!!!" lines.. and then it was my turn to sing. of course "Harper Valley PTA" was picked for me, and i sang it with all my heart. all the while people all but road large motorcycles up to the kareoke mic to sing old foreigner songs, and dennis leary songs... "i'm an ass hole ee oh ee oh ee oh..." yikes!

but, i was the best token gay boy ever! i gave it my all... i came home more exausted then before i went... and labor day weekend 2005 was complete.

Going out with co-workers... don't you wish everyone used dial.

"There's no place like america today..."

i have questions. we all have questions. the NAACP has some damn good questions. you've got all these people in the Superdome... and 14 year olds are being raped (at the convention center) and toilets are over flowing... any sort of aid is comming WAY late... and didn't we all here some dick from washington pose the question; why the hell save the city, if it's just gonna get flooded again, being under sea level and all....

on that same token; i guess living in the middle of a desert right now has made me think... why help phoenix or the water supply when our dumb asses are living in a desert - we shouldn't be here... EVERYBODY says LA is gonna fall into the ocean, and earthquakes are just a matter of time... but LA is still standing, and they had the gall to put a damned "somewhat" underground subway in it... do i have to mention florida?

we live in some crazy places.... that's the way it is, and we NEED HELP! New Orleans, Mississippi and Alabama NEED HELP!

i, for one, am repulsed by how slow relief efforts have been. where is the "Tsunami aid concert" equivilant....? why is it all taking sooooo long!

i digress... and i turn back to the victims. why isn't someone on bathroom control in the Superdome? are the toilets just BEYOND repair... we don't have enough information. what the hell is going on over there?!

bush leaves and says he will never forget - okay, Mr. Bush.... here is ANOTHER chance for you to do something.

you talk soooo much about god.

you ask SO MUCH of us....

i wanna see a whole lot less big black marks on houses, and bodies floating all around... for being such a powerful nation - it's sad when we cannot help ourselves....

we're like the best athlete with a broken leg and a mental disorder...

sure i'm being unfair... but i have a point shared with alot of other americans... how bout we bend together for OUR OWN country?! and... if you need a better reason than it's the right thing to do.... there are, after all, some oil problems down there.