awake.

i've watched him sleep for the last 2 hours. i work in 4. i should be sleeping. he looks beautiful when he is asleep, but i know he is not. i know he used to want to be, but then accepted that he would never be. he's okay with it.

he's got something about him. i do love him.

he still tells me his dreams. but i see no future for the two of us. i clearly see he is not the one for me, yet i have stayed. he brings me nothing that i need, and so many things that i do not. he blocks the light from the windows with heavy throws, and always turns down the music. he needs his silence, or his mind falls off kilter. i feel for him, and i do love him. so i try to be quiet, but i'm like large, and awkward in a pretty little place. he scolds me for being unhappy, but it's true, i am unhappy.

and so i have decided. and tonight, while i should be dreaming, i am awake.

i am wide awake. i feel guilty as hell, but i don't want him anymore.

Red eyes and coffee shops...

so yesterday, heather, this chick at work who is the only one in the whole world who understands my undying love and affection and attraction to dave sedaris... (infact, the man himself would snarf milk all over the both of us (which i would think was the most wonderful thing in the world...) if he knew how i felt...), begged me to pick up my shift today. i, of course, said... SURE!! thank you god and angels... a day off!

and so the day today was mine, and mine alone. who wants, ever, something to own by themselves? ick... thankfully, shelly had the day off too... and so we went to the gym together... worked out on the extremely kinky ---- i am way over due.... - gym equipment, and then did laps in the pool for about 47 hours... actually, it was more like 2 hours... but felt a lot longer...

so... then, to reward ourselves, we decided upon frozen coffee drinks at the chocolate iguana - kickin name, eh? it's a coffee joint on 4th ave (hip street in tucson - if such a thing exists...) ...anyway so we set outside with our coffees and our gym exhaustion and our chlorine smelling hair... watching the world go by, talking to a few people here and there....

a pretty fun day. we got sandwhiches and coffees... a good day off.

now, i'm home alone, and stalking david sedaris once again... he will be mine, oh yes...

she ain't crazy, you nut!

got my hair cut today. chopped it pretty short. gram has stopped hallucinating, and um... and yeah... that's enough for one day =)

my gram has been on a drug called flagyl. it's supposed to have been working on a urinary tract infection (yummy)... but clearly she's uh - been cracked out on it, and not knowing her own name... grabbing at things in the air, and just talking some random jive that noone is quite sure about...

her doctor was thinking it was just the way she was; another crazy old woman... truth is; she has MILD demensia... the doctor should have been reading her file, and knowing his patient... however.. he failed to do so.

my mom - being the crazy fighting trooper that she is, prevailed, and my grandmother has now withdrawn from this drug she can CLEARLY not take... and is back to her old self again.

are doctors allowed to make mistake? if the rest of us are, are doctors exempt? for whatall in this life we don't trust; it is our hospitals in which we must.

i do not know the answers to any of these questions... also, i'm begining to wonder, if most of the things i am asking latley... have answers?

what i know: i'm glad my gram's back. and noone withdrawls over night.... time will always do the talking.

in time we trust.

my dear friends who wait for me. "kiss them for me, i may be delayed."

some wild thoughts goin on up in my nutty head tonight... do we idolize the one's who hurt us? are we more infulenced by pain then by love?

the tradgeties seem to open our eyes much more than the good times do... the good times, we merely savor, and never learn... the bad times, we never forget. we but obsess on them until they've become part of our concious?

it's been too long since i've kicked back (yeah, kicked back...) in a room and sighed... and let lose, and was able to laugh... to enjoy myself freely and not be totally concious if i was ...sexy, dorky, goofy, weird... that i took a step forward without analzying the hell out of it...

what's worse is, when was the last time i let anyone else take a step forward without analyzing the hell out of it?

what has made me so aware? alert? the awareness and alertness don't seem to help at all when they're needed... so what's the deal?

i wrote a song once back in high school "why not?" i had had a friend Jared whom.. who knows... i must've had some sort of crush on... ? my very best friend... the kid was such a bad ass. could not keep himself out of trouble for anything... he was so much excitement and so much fun for me... (in ways i think i've taken on his role somewhat in my life? one of my greater teachers? taught me how to live my life: right or wrong? good or bad? just do it? hmmm...) ...anyway... he got sent away (a lot... more so then bobby... or just as much as bobby, i dunno..) and i was miserable. i missed him horribly, and i recoiled back into my bedroom, and into myself ( i guess...) waiting for him.

waiting for someone who is never actually comming is a devistating thing... anyway... so i did what i do best...

i wrote (and recorded) a batch of songs called "reach the stars." it was my way of dealing with what was happening.

one of many rites of passages in my life.

"can i just go out and have fun sometime soon, before i die, or forget how to."

it describes me right now.

i pass off, blow off every opportunity that comes my way... for what? to simply wait for something that is just not comming....

or is it?

how do you know?

when do you say "fuck you fate!" and take matters into your own hands?

is not fate, whatever you do?

how exactly can you tempt it? how exactly do you stray from the line of fate? can you? is fate real?

is there a road we are on? or a series of swirving paths?

is there somewhere i'm supposed to be? someone i'm supposed to be? that i'm not now?

who says?

is this an excuse to stand still?

but what of... the old man?

who is only old.

what would he say?

i know what he would say.

do it.

well, ok... but what's "it?" i mean, which one?

hey ya'll. i'm scared.