4 days until i leave for New York!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm unbelievably excited!! last night over margaritta's at this rockin mexican cantina called el sabrosyo last night, while listening to the mariachi band play (really really good... check it out if you're ever in tucson, and the food is unreal!) i was thinking about how being on a rooftop with my best friend and a 40 LOL (have we graduated to red wine kev?) in the middle of new york city, freezing our asses off is one of the best moments i can think of... lost in some piano bar somewhere together, laughing and checking everyone out, talking about all the things we know that we can do... same feeling. it's odd how the strangest places can breed so much comfort/joy.

i can't wait to get on the staten island ferry. a free service, a free ride out over the bay... there cannot be a lot of people burning alive to do this - i'm not even sure if kevin is super hyped for the idea... but i cannot wait to do it.

i cannot wait to look. to stand in the middle of this chaotic scramble of people intertwined and woven in with other people... cabs and cars flying at one another, dog shit and starbucks on every corner.... 400 cultures colliding at speeds of language that noone could truely fathom unless having seen... while the ground vibrates from so much life (wanted and unwanted...), and every single person has a thing or 2 to say about the cost of living... as it's maybe 32 degrees (on a nice day...) and make my decision. once, and for all.

i'm reading "wicked." greggory mcguire. i've listened to so may of the songs from the show, and defying gravity, and dancing through life, my favorites... but it all confused me, and i loved "confessions of an evil step sister..." so i picked the book up the other day... tho i'm not done, elphie and galenda are roomies in college, at the particular point i'm at. having a great time reading this. how absurdly wonderful.

i'm excited to see my family, and friends up in maine also. i think everyone knows this. i cannot wait for wednesday.

if it were one more day, i'd explode. i'm sure of it. it's frightning =)))))))

my last posting was freaky lol. that pretty much sums up my emotion on that... it's 642 am in the desert. i leave for new york in 5 days!

we had a store meeting the other day where the new managment team (that popped up out of nowhere...) promised us all these new changes. these wonderful things... i've been with the company long enough to be able to tune most of these things out, when heard... and so tracie, shell, and me were text messaging one another all thru the meeting with "kill me"'s and "make it stop, mommy!"'s... fun times.... and then shelly and i went out to dinner at bison witches again (the most awesome food!).... she cried a bit when i told her about new york, and asked if i was comming back, and i said yes for now. that this was only just the preliminarys... it was kind of sad.

the problem - or the joy - or both - of moving around is that you develop good friends in lots of different places. i pride myself to an extent on this... and i think i might've had a bit more of a wild younger years than i let myself own up to... some crazy fun there.

so, this one last hop to new york.....

such a little thing, which means so much to me... it's like the banger sisters strike back or something. older and wiser, and actually trying to do something really stupid. kick starting the beat of your heart again... because one day there's going to be an empty journal that needs to be filled... an explaination before entering the next world... family which sets down to christmas dinner and turns to you, and it's now your turn for spiked egg nog and stories...

and for some reason - i've got it in my head - that, come hell or come high water (or both, is honestly what i'm expecting..) i'm gonna have the best story!

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are we not to be"? - Marianne Anderson

i love that quote.

if we all possess the capabilities of such power.... it in the end... will always (as it did before... and will always) depend on who we are...

the devil - in hell - is a God.

i've always had the philosophy in life... that when things were too much, or you were unsatisfied where you were that you would turn back and recreate a simpler time in your life.... a song, or a smell, or a look you had; hairstyle, clothing... you would do this again, and somehow... familiarity would breed comfort... right?

is that so?

i was called a perfectionist the other day... that good enough is never, that... is never good enough. things can always get better... bigger... smaller... change... and my response... "well, can't they?!"

so, be it.

i find more truthfull lessons and psychological ideas in over sized childrens books, then i have in my few recent years of darwin, and the black scenes...

i love to walk on railroad tracks and write poetry.

but, yet, i am a perfectionist? well; i hope so then... because i'm not entirely turned off by the things i want out of life...

i shall wear pin striped pants and suspenders and be lost in a piano bar deep in the village with my best friend soon enough, and i think that that will rended this all... very much less severe.

*******i suppose if this blog entry seems a bit odd.... it's me working out a few thoughts in my head... burning a bridge or two, and untying knots in my soul... my all******

5:39am. monday's are evil! i have to work before the sun comes up on mondays, all good coz i get out at 1 today... but still...

ugly! my weekend was pretty lowkey... i worked mostly, but took a break with shelly last night after work. we went to the Time Market on university and 4th for latte's. she's one of the coolest people i've met in a long time. we were going to go out for drinks after, but; flu season abounds... so back to mi casa i came and fell asleep at about 730 last night... woke up at 5, and here i am... feelin' a bit better and drinking yet more coffee... i am seriously an addict... and c'mon, aren't there worse things i could do?

HAPPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.... okay... now that we're done with that... lol

i thought i'd post a song for you guys. this is a new one. my friend tim finally got me to cave in and sign onto friendster.com on the site they have a part where each person's friends writes things about them... i was reading this one guys profile... and this is about him (whoever he is... hehehe). i love randomly inspiring things. i think my biographical song period is over... it feels good to make up stories.... imagination.

COLLIDE
From the moon
We’d be so small…
Blurry lights…
Come closer… this city stands so tall…

Then you and i…
Uptown coffee shop…
Opinions exchanged
Not that they mean a lot…

Laughing out loud
We’ve both been writing so much
Me with my sense of reality and
You with your humor… thank you for lunch

Devistation… he asks for my number…
How can you make the whole world stop?
I hear your voice
And all these people melt into…

Maddeningly attractive boy…

Heaven help me if we too shall ever collide…

At night in my bed
I think of you again…
Reaching down…
And around, and then…

If you could see me now…
But you can’t… thank god…
Dirty dreams, and the world is turning
Vivid lights… thoughts scratching my brain raw…

Frozen; can’t move… he called.
How can you make the whole world stop?
I hear your voice
And all these thoughts melt into…

Maddeningly creative boy…

Heaven help me if we too shall ever collide…

Slipping grip…
I swear the earth is my home, too
I know a man
Can take it all away from you…

Arms, and legs
Push his mouth to mine…
Violation…
Not me, not now, this time…

Decided; concrete… I let the phone ring…
How can I make the whole world stop?
I hear my voice
And all these dreams melt into…

Maddeningly terrified boy…

Heaven help me if we too shall ever collide…END ©February 7, 2005 ARRFBC

i have a favorite song. it's anna nalic's "breathe (2am)". it's incredible. i've been really into the idea of breathing as a total meditation. i don't think anyone is living in america today - hell, forget america, anywhere - really.. but it's sooo out to be a humanist latley - isn't it... but how can anyone go thru their day without something happening that makes them not understand columbining, and losing their shit, and wanting to tell someone (and you can close your eyes and see just exactly who) exactly what we're thinking....

it's hard to be alive on some days (mind you i say some days... and thank god, because life can be very very beautiful... and it's important to stick around for those days, and i know that now as i always have...) and sometimes to breathe is your best defense. to calm yourself. to cool yourself. to steady and take care of yourself.

to me it is a meditation. it is mine. there is an incredible power in concentration and breath. there is control in breathing.

so this song, is a frantic tale of life's mundane woes... and then she breaks to the refrain with.. "just breathe" periodically throught the song... like, what all is going on is so much.. and then stop.. inhale, and exhale... and then more life and then stop and inhale and exhale....

if all things are possible. i'm sure - that meditation and breathing (it sounds so simple, but honestly... when you really need it, it's very hard work... and very much worth the pay off...) are key points in acheiving success.... what EVER that means...

*** all is well in my life. jay has made it to the final 3 on "project runway," i apparently have a new favorite song... the new york skyline burns me alive and i cannot explain the burning inside of me, the incredible desire, and the fear and joy it brings me to know that i am doing exactly the one thing i want to. and hell - if that isn't sucess... did we not say, elation over position? ...we're all doing just fine. breathe, baby, breathe.

"...2am and i'm still awake writing. if i get it all down on paper it's not still inside me threatening the life it belongs to. and i feel like i'm naked in front of the crowd coz these words are my diary screaming out loud, and i know that you'll use them however you want to."

yo! i'm confirmed: march 2 -14 i am on vacation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! bring it on! i just bought my flight. i love jetblue, but usairways was amazingly cheaper... YAY! "we need a holiday!" ...who else goes to the arctic northeast for vacation =)

arizona sky and stars above me... a great wind blowing (i have forever loved the wind... sacrificing many a good day hair day just to be within it...).... out on the patio with red wine, which it seems, more of the most fabulous souls on the earth consume... *raises glass*

explored phoenix today. for being the (this is argued much, it seems... i guess really it depends on who you ask...) 5th, 6th, or 7th largest city in the US (you pick...) it really is not very cool... and to top it off... it's name is PHOENIX... come on people!! ..no, seriously, had a blast exploring the canals, and copper sq. park. ate at the 101 bistro and our waiter seemingly was a woman... yet some odd part of me knew she was a man... ehh.. s/he was cool.

birthday #29. however... it's about time to start lying about that, i think... 25 sounds good. i could pass for 25 for a couple of years... LOL 29... wow... 29 and really it's all just begining... how strange. how great. how scary. how cool.

i had so many people call me today... i am so loved. thank you thank you thank you!!

and guess what???? A WHOLE MESSAGE FROM PATIENCE (my ....goddaughter??... is that correct guys? .... my neice. ) MUAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i almost cried. no i'm serious - wait till it happens to one of you. make fun of me now, bitches!!! but you wait!!! kids have a powerful little weapon going on for themselves... were they to unite!! watch out world!!

...maybe they'd pretty up phoenix. who knows.

oooh!! went to this damn groovy store today, ikea... sorta target-ish... except it was SO COOL!.... i think i found the set-up for my studio - if i infact choose a studio! that was a great part of the day... word on the street is that there's an ikea in jersey. so - i'm there.

i hope it's not too ghetto lol... i'm all about gushing about it =))) *giggle*

alrite - much love to you all. i was born...

and this is the day (i looked this up, trust me) that the music died.............

we were singing.......

just got back from shelly's. they had a birthday party for me. a couple of friends, some yummy meixcan food and a chocolate cake - all for me --- how cool!

i also got to play play station for the very first time in my life. mario brought over his play station 2 because it plays dvds, and we played "crazy taxi" or something to that effect. i am a horrible driver it turns out... but had a good time anyway - lots of laughs. i got a couple really cool presents too.

thanks guys! *muah*

my birthday is tomorrow... a whole year passed since the last. i promised my thoughts of reflection on the last year... a very major and intrical year in my life... an influence unlike any other year i've lived through on the rest of my life; sometimes you just know... and so in the following forum i share with you my thoughts...
so much closer, now, then ever....

i send you an invitation to reflect, alongside of me, on all that transpired in this last year.
-what were the things you were proud of (your evolution, your expression(s), your courage, your changes, growths, healings, experiences etc)?

-what things are you grateful for (people, events, your body, mentors, family, your dog, your being alive etc)?

-what things do you forgive yourself for?

-is there anyone you'd like to reach out to, to apologize to, or to express how you feel about them to before the year ends?

-how are you different this year than you were last year?

-how did you take better care of yourself this year?

and looking forward...

-what is your intention for this coming year (to love more fiercely--yourself first of course--than ever before, to slow down, to acknowledge yourself more, to express yourself in new ways etc)?

-what area of your life needs attention from you (relationships, your home, your creative personal expression, your spirituality, your friendships etc)?

-what things can you do this year that bring you a great sense of joy and purpose (if it's purpose without joy, i'd encourage you to keep looking :)?

-what talent or gift is sitting in your back pocket that you've not yet expressed, that you may want to in 2005?

-what scary and exciting thing has been beckoning you, that you may take the risk of checking out this coming year (sports, reaching out to someone, trying something new etc)?

-what can you be grateful for IN ADVANCE, knowing that it's on its' way to you (something that you know will benefit you and others, in that order)?

i am so with you all. and so i let my new year begin...

i've finally jumped on the desperate housewives wagon. i did really good tho... i held out or 12 or so episodes before the bitches sucked me in! it's a pretty cool show...

my laptop is officially mine now. ALL MINE! muahahahaha... totally paid off.

i was going to go to LA for the week (i've got 3 days off for my birthday...) but decided against it.

i filled out a survery this morning to see if i was an "LA guy" or a "NYC guy." it turns out i'm a LA guy... but, i'm pretty sure they used trickery!!!

all questions about palm trees (who doesn't love palm trees!! how unfair!), and sub degree temps.... i'm sorry, but noone is gonna be like... yeah i totally prefer 12degrees over 70!! honestly....

never once was their a mention of fault lines, or earth quakes... never once did it ask if you prefer a compact city, or a 55 mile one?! trickery... the bastards!

i've obviously nothing of importance to say - so - laters! i'm outtie 5000!! (hehehe.. i saw that on "i love the 90's"