well... well... well... the last day of 2004. i begin here at 630am with my coffee in hand to live out the very last day of the year. helluva year. done a lot. went to vegas, mexico, saw the grand canyon, painted desert, california all this year. i've dreampt and planned, and vowed. i've tried, and failed, and succeeded. i am still here. i managed to live in a desert, and climb the highest mountain to play in snow on christmas day. i went home to see my friends, and my mom. i learned much about myself. i can only imagine what 2005 will bring. but it will be fierce, i promise you that! so, bring on the dropping balls, and this first new years that i've ever had when dick clark isn't standing at the top of the line....

good. coz move aside. we're ready, and we're comming!

"it's commin' on christmas. they're cuttin down trees... putting up reindeer, singing songs of joy and glee.. and it don't snow here... it stays pretty green. make a lot of money, then i'm gonna quit this crazy scene...oh, i wish i had a river..."

so i have candles in the fire place and the tree lit... i have hung christmas stockings, and i've strung up lights all over the outside of the house. i have hot apple sider - spiked, but, of course... i think christmas might be for going home. i do this every year i don't spend with my family. but, for now, i am here. in arizona. with seth. is now the time to reflect on the year, just passed? and how so very much is soon to come in the new year, or shall i wait closer to new years? i'll blog after christmas about these years.

mom, i love you. my friends, i love you. merry christmas. i miss you all, terribly. "i can still feel all of that love from here." - wynonna.

"NO MORE DRAMA" ... it's like the gay mantra. it's tatooed on asses, and well defined and bared abdomins across the nation.. thanks, greatly, to mary j. blighe who bitched it over loud speakers and countless remixes in dance clubs everywhere... but then, when did we ever really think for ourselves.... so... i'm thinkin; i have a good number of friends whom are theatre majors... i myself am a reluctant poet, and do i even need to mention my best friend in the world is an ex soap opera actor??? HELL I HAVE DRAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i have drama for days... how could you not have drama? and isn't everybody watching this show called "desperate housewives?" ya'll forget mary! we want drama! alright; felt good to get that out. so, i've been, dramatically, spending my time reading people's blogs about moving to the city. envy comes to mind, and how i'm so proud of these complete strangers, and how excited they make me... and then it occures to me.... i, am part of them, finally. i am finally moving to new york city... i am included. i am of them. what a strange feeling. what a cool feeling. start FREAKIN' spreadin the news, already, alright?!!!!

"so you were in but not entirely.. you were up for this but not totally... you knew how arm's lengthing can maintain doubt..." and so, here goes 2004. almost, but not yet... december begins. christmas approaches. 2005 stares us all in the face, and we know that it is fierce. 2004 showed us everything. after a year like this... we can no longer pretend. now, we know. we have felt it this year. the awesome dream of american opinion, that we are mostly all liars... our american herritage (elections...)... what we have ourselves seen, and heard, and done... and what we've seen our friends do, and say, and feel... we've all begun growing again. we have woken up. and we're thrilled for the next chance.... our illusions, which we still harbor... are lucid. we know them inside and out. and we can only be prepared this time... and not brave and crazy. but, prepared. we drop habits, and begin new ones... we secretly long for the same hands we let go of... but we've awoken. not fully... but we begin. we must see this new year come. we must remember it, and apply our photographic black and white flash backs to it... this will be important. we've promised ourselves a lot. we've sworn to god that we love ourselves again, and we want something. something very big, and very real, and very us. and our love is heightened. is in bold. a spotlight shines upon one thing and we pray... not for god, but for energy. but for faith in our own capabilities... which is where, we're learning, that god lives... where heaven is... that these so-called angels... are us. and it's no longer pretend time. these wings we speak of... need to expand... need to stretch and now fly. say everything, and miss nothing. happy december.