ANOTHER MORNING COFFEE...

friday morning. coffee before work. i'm not awake yet. i supervised last night. one of the guys, marc, didn't show up for work, so we were short a server, and had a trainee.

the restaurant got slammed. the trainee, while willing... was no help at all. seemed to have a listening problem. wasn't doing the things he was being told (why would you take a job and then not do what they told you in training?)...

hope looked devoid. but my 2 servers that i had worked together. and the 3 of us brought the restaurant back to life, and wound up having one of my best nights working there so far, as a supervisor.

it was a good lesson learned for me. supervising is stressfull. true. but the rewards of watching your crew preform magic, with you at the hull... that's amazing.

i was soooo proud of those 2. proud of myself.

so... now it is the last day of march 2006. just over 24 hours before my best friend gets here. it's been a long cold ride through blazing hot arizona so far.

it's been an amazing life experience. from being part of coupling that wasn't working.... to learning independence... and knowing i can make it alone... to now. where, i'm tired. and i need backup. and help is on the next plane out =)

i apologize to noone for my excitement. i'm ready for some good times.

and if kevin wasn't enough. guess who's comin back down in may for a whole week (which will end up being 2... i hope 3 this time hahaha) .... MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am being smiled upon, and i am thankfull.

..and this is definetly the part where things start getting interesting!

dinner tonight on my balcony. the rather lively apartment complex is uncharacteristically calm tonight... allowing me to hear birds and to concentrate on the desert i am surrounded by. on the phone with my mother earlier today we discussed how this was a high desert, rather than the wile e. coyote looney tunes... beach sand kind of a desert.

we have vegitation. saguaros, prickly pears, ocotillos, creosote bushes, pallo verde trees...

there is a lot of dirt... brownness. much of the land here reminds me of old parking lots something got torn down at, and they just haven't decided what to do with it yet.... that's more what the desert looks like.

but... humans have brought with them palm trees to this place (thank god... i love palm trees), and flowers, and even grass in some places.

my complex, i picked a) for it's proximity to downtown, and my work... but also, because it had a pool (one craves water when they are deprived of such a thing...) trees, and grass.

am i pretending i am somewhere else?

but, i did not plant these trees.

someone else did.

just like someone built the city of las angeles on another desert... if you were in LA, you'd see no difference (not much of a difference, between there and florida... where there is no desert...)

manhattan. lower west manhattan is a landfill....

new orleans. hell, the big easy is under sea level.

us americans... lol crazy bunch of fuckers =)

i kick back with my sangria (it means blood?) and my whole wheat pasta... in spicey tomato pesto sauce...

on the balcony with my computer, ready to watch season two of nip/tuck (i'm catching up..). all is well. tonight my one goal for myself is to try and not turn away during the surgies part of the show. so i cannot say life is all that bad tonight. infact, i'm rather content... for a second.

ANOTHER TUESDAY.

march has brought on a relativly peacefull limbo for myself. i admit i spend a lot of time alone, but i've sort of accepted this, as part of my life, i guess. i know it's brought on by myself. and when i'm ready to do something about it, i will.

in the meantime... i've got my class. my wireless, my own apartment. i just picked up a Game boy Advance to replace the one that i pawned off when i was New York City. my bank account is now in the positive ammounts, and i've recieved a promotion at work, which occupies quite a bit of my time.

i've been practicing my guitar and thinking about possibly maybe moving back to tampa in june when my lease is up.

i'd like to have a home recording studio, and i'm not sure i could afford the space in NY.

so for now... it seems i have a full plate, but i never am ever quite satisfied. i cannot say i'm unhappy. nor depressed. and to be able to say those things is a huge uprising in my life.

WHEN I'M GONE.

i watch movies. i read books. so many options and suggestions of who we're supposed to be, and where we are supposed to be, and at exactly what time.... the majority of us agree with it, and then there's the select few that take it too a whole new level where you can never ever ever do enough, which in itself is horribly terrifying. numbing, even. some sort of unbeatable race against time... where each age, begining back at 12 was a wakeup call to mortality. so hard to live in the day, when your future keeps glaring at you.

and then there are the lucky ones... those who just don't care. those who have somehow been able to beat the radar, and live happily ever after, doing whatever and whatall they want to do. believing that there is always tomorrow, and that you simply, cannot take it with you when you go.

but, what happens when we do go? how do we get remembered? and is even that important? why do such thoughts bring terror. ...it should be a moot point, really. after all, during life you can't really please anyone, anyway... why would we think it's possible in death?

those who leave us behind, or that we leave behind... by moving, by dying, by failed relationships... by successes...

when it all becomes so pointless... what do you do then?

winning or losing, seems to be almost the same exact thing.

we grow up hopefully being told how beautiful we are. how possible. how we're suchacatch, and we're going to make someone very happy someday...

we're going to go so far....

but then, we stop and take check of things. we were not loved by the world. we were outcasted. we were not beautiful. we weren't a very good catch at all, and wouldn't know someone who was a very good catch for us if they shot us between the eyes...

we didn't make someone very happy. and we were tortured, and abused in the process.

the only possible way that i can imagine bringing meaning back into life... into my own life... is rewriting my story from here on out.

to somehow give forth the effort to end up with a good story, at the point where it says "the end." rather than to have a rather sad story.

that would be my point of living. and if i'm remembered, then i would have to say upfront... thank you for remembering me.

and if not... i'll be ok knowing that i ended up finally having a happy story.

MY SPACE LINK!!

www.myspace.com/bluchest2

THIS IS MY MY SPACE GUYS. ALL THE COOL KIDS ARE DOING IT.

changes...

so... i'm on my own again. i'm okay with that. working a lot. okay with that too. everything seems to be going fine. i just got a promotion at work...

my friends commin to visit me. cats doing well... doing well in class.

i don't really have a whole lot of bad to report. learning how to live a life - finally.

trial and error - apparently was living the whole time.

weird how happiness just seeps in... i'm kinda happy.

YOU'RE MY SATURDAY...

i don't blog as frequently as i used to. i'm also not nearly as tormented as i used to be, that could have something to do with it?

not so much has changed, but a lot has... i turned 30. i'm in school now. i have my own apartment.... i'm joyfully single... joyfully? yeah, i'm okay with it.

yet, here i am... like so many other mornings having my coffee... writing in my blog.

hmm... current things i love...

1) my balcony.
2) my cat.
3) the band Goldfrapp
4) my apartment
5) my ipod
6) my family
7) dark ales

...current dislikes...

1) thinking about the last 4 or so years of my life
2) my downstairs neighbors dog.
3) the L.O.V.E. song by ashlee simpson
4) Sirius' 'see how much i can shed my hair all over you" game.
5) this love/hate list... but now that i am commited...
6) the president
7) fox news....

so - okay - and now on with my day. be safe and be open - j.